


The Writing's on the Wall

by Hookedonapirate



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alernative Universe, Angst, Captain Swan - Freeform, Captain Swan Frienship, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Hurt/Comfort, Lieutenant Duckling Friendship, Orphanage, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-06-01 23:49:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6541813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hookedonapirate/pseuds/Hookedonapirate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern Lieutenant Duckling/Captain Swan AU. Emma and Killian become best friends in an orphanage when they are thirteen and after they reunite years later, they add a physical component to their friendship. When true feelings are finally revealed, will it tear their friendship apart or turn it into something more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't Get Attached

**Author's Note:**

> This story will alternate between past and present and I have italicized past events and separated them with asterisks. The friends with benefits element is loosely based on the movie No Strings Attached. I know it's not an original idea but I'm just a sucker for captain swan friendships where they have to hide their true feelings from one another, but aren't very good at it.
> 
> Warning: minor character death in a later chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to x Captain of the Swans x for beta-ing!

The raindrops trickled down the glass from outside Emma's bedroom window, the sound soothing to her ears as she tried to sleep. She shifted slightly as she felt his warm body pressed to hers. Mornings like this were rare and far between and normally, she would use such precious moments to sleep, or to engage in other enjoyable activities with her best friend, but just being in his arms was enough. She was wide awake, anyway, even though her body was completely exhausted from an eighteen-hour shift at the hospital. It was irritating to her how all she wanted to do at work was sleep, and yet, when she got home, she could do anything but sleep. However, she could feel nothing but content with his arm holding her waist like gravity had pulled it directly to that spot. She felt safe and secure with him there, like she could just stay there forever with him. She would never tell him that though. That would be breaking one of their rules. They were already breaking the 'no snuggling in bed with their clothes on' rule as it was.

Emma had felt alone most of her life, even after she was adopted by loving parents. There was also her sister, Lily, who she fought with all of the time and had spent endless nights staying awake just talking to. She had those people in her life who loved her, but she still felt like there was piece of her that didn't fit quite right. That piece made her feel unbelievably alone on occasion, but being with him seemed to always fill that void ever since the day they met. Sighing softly, she recalled in her mind that day, not being able to believe that it had been fifteen years since then. Grabbing his hand, she threaded her fingers through his, and held it to her lips, his scent comforting to her senses. She loved the feeling of his skin on her lips. She also loved the feeling of her heart skipping a beat every time they kissed. She would never tell him that though.

Closing her eyes, her mind drifted to that significant day, the memories so vivid in her head.

*****

_Emma was sitting against a tree, holding her knees to her chest as her feet lay flat on the solid ground. It was her first day at the Neverland Orphanage in Maine after thirteen years of being in the foster system. She was a loner and always kept to herself; she preferred it that way. She didn't like socializing with kids she would probably never see again after they would eventually be adopted, leaving her there, wishing that it was her who was being taken away from this life. Emma decided long ago, never get attached. Always look out for yourself and you'll never get hurt. Which is why she scoffed when someone chose to sit next to her, so rudely invading her space. She started moving to get up when she looked over and her green eyes were met with impossibly blue ones._

_The owner of those amazing eyes smiled at her and extended a hand._

_"You must be new. I'm Killian Jones."_

_Emma suddenly found it hard to breathe. She had seen a number of cute boys in her short life, but this one in particular made her heart skip a beat. He had dark hair and dimples and an amazing smile. Her eyes drifted to his hand in hesitation before she shook it._

_"Emma Swan."_

_When he released her hand, he scratched a spot behind his ear and she could tell he was trying to think of something to say. She leaned her head back against the tree, praying he would go away._

_"So... um, did you come here alone?"_

_She sighed as she looked up towards the sky when her prayers were not answered. Dropping her head, she looked at him again. Bad idea._

_There was such sweetness in his kind eyes, she just found it hard to abandon them. She nodded her head to answer his question._

_"You?"_

_"No. I'm here with my brother." Killian looked down as his eyes became sad and he pulled at a patch of grass, tossing it to the ground. "Our mother died of cancer and our father left in the middle of the night."_

_"Oh. I'm sorry."_

_"What about you? How did you end up here?" he asked, looking up at her again._

_"I was left on the side of the road as a baby and went through the foster system." Her eyes met his and the look he gave her made her heart melt. It wasn't a look of pity or obligation, it was a look of understanding, like they were kindred spirits meant to find each other. Emma looked away again._

_"Look, I don't do this."_

_He looked at her confused._

_"Do what?"_

_"This thing that we're doing right now."_

_"And what would that be, love?"_

_Emma lost a breath again. The way he said the word 'love' with that silk, British accent of his gave her goosebumps._

_"I'm not your love. And I don't socialize. People aren't meant to be together forever. They leave, that's just what they do. They leave and never look back."_

_Killian's eyes grew dark with sadness again._

_"Not me. I'll never leave this place. Not until my brother is old enough to have custody of me, which won't be for another three years."_

_"How long have you been here?" she asked curiously._

_"3,789 days," he replied with a quick, smooth confidence to his answer. Emma arched a brow at him._

_"You keep track of the number of days you've been here?"_

_"Aye. Let me show you." He stood up, reaching out his hand and she took it after a moment of hesitation. They went inside the orphanage and up the stairs to the room he stayed in. He led her into the closet and turned on the light-bulb above them. There on the wall to the left was halfway covered in small tick marks representing each day he had been there. She looked at them as she traced some of the markings with her finger._

_"So you see, I'm not going anywhere, Emma. I'm too old for any family to want me now."_

_"How old are you?" she asked, turning to look at him._

_"Thirteen. You?"_

_"Same."_

_*****_

Emma woke up a few hours later to her pager beeping. She released her fingers from Killian's hold and reached for it on the night stand. There was an emergency at the hospital. She very carefully lifted his arm from her body and rested it on the mattress behind her, trying not to wake him. Reaching for a pen and pad of paper in the drawer of her nightstand, she left Killian a note to let him know she had to go to work. She ripped it out and left it next to him before she got up and grabbed her keys, purse and umbrella.

It was a ten minute drive to the hospital on a day like today. The traffic was light this early in the morning and it was Sunday. When she arrived, she quickly found an empty spot in the parking lot and rushed inside to the ER.

She was a resident at Boston's children's hospital and loved her job dearly. Being able to help sick children and save lives was one of the things that made her want to get out of bed everyday. It gave her life.

*****

_"What do you want to be when you grow up, Emma?" Killian asked her out of the blue one day as she was reading Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and he was reading Peter Pan. They met in the same closet every day since they met, exchanging stories of childhood memories, both happy and sad. After Killian had convinced her that he was not going anywhere without her, they quickly became friends._

_"I'm not sure. You?"_

_"I just want to do something to make a difference. You know, be a hero like in these fairy-tale books."_

_"I thought you only liked the ones about pirates. They're usually considered villains, not heroes."_

_"Aye, but they're just fairy-tales. I want to be a hero in real life. Don't you?"_

_"Yeah. I also want to leave this place, but I don't see that happening anytime soon."_

_"Well, how about we make a pact?"_

_Emma furrowed a brow at him._

_"What kind of pact?"_

_"When we finally get out of this place, we do something to make a difference. You know, do something good with our freedom."_

_Emma smiled at his optimism. He was everything that she wished she could be, and that's what she loved about him. He was kind, honest and fearless; things that she was not. Killian extended his hand for her to take and they shook on it._

_"It's a deal."_

*****

Emma got home about one a.m. the next morning. The apartment was dark. Her roommates must have been asleep in their rooms. They were all doctors as well, but had worked earlier shifts than her. When she entered her room, she switched on the light and found a note in her bed. It was different than the one she had left. It was from Killian.

**E**

**Call me when you get home.**

**-K**

Being an ungodly hour, she decided to shoot him a text instead, in case he was sleeping. Not that it would matter. Killian had proved to her time and time again that any phone calls, no matter what time it was, he would come to her when beckoned, whether it be an emergency or if she needed a friend to talk to or even just a quick romp in the sac, he would be there. Emma pulled out her phone and started typing a text.

**E: Just got home. What's up?**

She received a reply not a minute later.

_K: Nothing. Just missed you, that's all._

Emma smiled as she sent another text.

**E: You're not allowed to miss me, remember?**

_K: What, I can't miss my best friend?_

**E: *sigh* fine, I miss you too.**

_K: You wouldn't have to if I were with you. Should I come over?_

Emma thought for a moment. As much as she wanted him to, she decided it wouldn't be a good idea after the cuddle time they shared the previous morning. It was too much and she needed space.

**E: Actually, I'm really tired. I'll text you when I wake, okay?**

_K: :'[_

Emma laughed. She had always found it hard to say no when he pouted.

**E: Fine, but I want you naked when you get here, got it?**

_K: Be there in five._

_*****_

_"Emma? What's wrong, love?" Killian found her in their closet, sitting on the floor with her face buried in her knees, shaking. She lifted her head up and she was red, her cheeks covered in tears. Killian's heart broke when he saw her like this._

_"Emma... What is it? You can tell me anything."_

_After being there for a year, Emma and Killian had become best friends, never leaving the other's side unless they had to. And normally, she could tell him anything, but right now, she found it hard to break the news to him. Emma dropped her head back down and continued to sob uncontrollably. He took a seat next her and put his arm around her shoulder as tears formed in his eyes as well. He hated seeing her like this. She immediately lifted her head and pressed it into his chest, soaking his shirt as she put an arm around his stomach. She was not normally an affectionate person but when it came to Killian, there weren't many boundaries. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight. They stayed like that for half an hour until she was ready to speak. She lifted her head up and he swiped her remaining tears from her cheek as she sniffled. Finally she let the words spill out._

_"I'm being adopted. My new family will be here tomorrow to pick me up and take me to Boston."_

_A wide grin took over Killian's features._

_"Love, that's a good thing. You get to be free of this place."_

_Emma sat up, in shock at his reaction._

_"Don't you get it? If I go, I'll never see you again! I can't live without you, Killian!"_

_His eyes grew sad at the realization. He pressed his forehead to hers as he whispered softly._

_"I can't live without you either, but this is your chance... to do something great. You promised remember? Once you get out of here, you have to do something great, okay?"_

_Emma nodded her head, tears escaping her eyes again._

_"Okay"_

_She laid her head back on his chest and he kissed the top of it through her blonde hair. They stayed like that for hours until they got called down for dinner._

_*****_

Killian was true to his word. He was walking through her door five minutes later. Emma stood from the bed and strode over to him, smashing her lips into his as she pulled him to her. They desperately stripped one another of their clothes until they were both naked. Emma jumped up, Killian catching her as she wrapped her legs around him and he growled as his erection was pressed against her nub. They fell into the bed and their bodies were deliciously pressed together as he nudged her entrance and slowly penetrated her. She moaned into their kiss as he stretched her walls, both of them rolling their hips into the other.

Emma loved their trysts after she got home from a long day at work. It helped relieve the tension from her body. Nothing else would ever be enough to do the same.

Killian rocked into her deeper, taking every inch of her as he nipped and kissed her neck, leaving love bites. He cupped her breast in his hand, kneading his fingers into her skin. She gripped onto his shoulders as he took her into oblivion, her walls fluttering around him as he pulsed inside of her, spilling out a long stream of his seed. They panted, trying to catch their breaths as he gently collapsed into her, laying his head on her chest.

*****

_On Emma's last day, her and Killian walked out of the orphanage hand in hand with Liam next to them as she saw her new family standing in front of their car. Her new mom had green eyes, dark hair and a pixie cut while her dad had blonde hair and blue eyes. There was also a girl her age with dark brown hair that would be her new sister. Emma was told that Lily was the reason why Mary Margaret and David had adopted a teenager, so that their daughter could have a sister her age._

_Emma turned to look at Killian before she approached her new family._

_"I wish you could come with me."_

_Killian reached a hand to her cheek, grazing his thumb across her skin._

_"I know, love. Just remember-"_

_"I know... do something great. I will, I promise."_

_He stroked her hair as he managed to speak again._

_"There's not a day that will go by when I won't think of you."_

_"Good." Emma smiled and kissed his cheek. He pulled her into a long, warm hug and she sank into him, soaking in his scent that she would never be able to forget._

_"Bye, Killian." She choked the words out as tears formed in her eyes when she finally let him go._

_"Goodbye, Emma." he said, smiling weakly. She gave Liam a hug, too._

_"Goodbye Liam."_

_"Bye lass."_

_She reluctantly turned around and walked up to her new family, who hugged her warmly before they got into the car. Emma turned around to look at him one last time, before she got in and shut the door. When they drove away, Emma turned around in her seat to wave at them as Killian watched her until she disappeared._

_Liam put his hand on his shoulder as they went inside. He couldn't speak, only cry and he didn't want everyone to see him while he did, so he went upstairs to their closet. When he entered and switched on the light, his attention was averted to a spot underneath his markings. There was writing on the wall._

_**K,** _

_**I will find a way to get you and your brother out of here, soon. I don't know how, yet, but I will. I promise. And when I do, I will find you.** _

_**Always and forever yours,**_

_**E** _

_Killian smiled weakly at her words, but he couldn't stop the sudden rush of tears from escaping from his loss. He sat on the floor and rested his arms on his knees as he cried uncontrollably into his sweater where her scent lingered._


	2. Show No Emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading. I will be skipping ahead a bit as far as the past timeline goes but I will get to their reunion and how they started the 'friends with benefits' eventually. I've mentioned it in this chapter but I will go further in depth later on. There's a method behind my madness, I promise, but I will try to make it at as less confusing as possible. Thanks to x Captain of the Swans x for beta-ing!
> 
> Warning: Minor character death in this chapter.

As Killian walked out of a local twenty-four hour pizza shop, he asked himself, for probably the millionth time, why he had accepted the agreement he had going with his best friend? He was having the most incredible sex of his life with someone who was his oldest and closest friend in the world, without the responsibilities of being an actual boyfriend, and that was all fine and dandy, except for one thing: he had been in love with her since before he even knew what love was. So, why did he agree to this in the first place? The first time had been a spur of the moment thing that neither of them had planned, but after that, he should have stopped it.

If he ever lost her because of this, he would only have himself to blame. Not that she was an innocent party; in fact, their arrangement was all her idea to begin with. But still, he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. Her rules were simple and clear, and she had no intentions of starting a romantic relationship with him- or anyone else for that matter. He supposed that's what made it so perfect for her; she got her sexual needs met whenever she wanted, without any romantic commitments involved, and with the added security of knowing that Killian would never leave her. And she knew that he would do absolutely anything to please her, which he would, and he wanted nothing more than to please her. He wanted nothing more than to spend time with her and to be there for her. So why did he feel cheated?

He walked the short distance around the corner to Emma's loft, and went up to the second floor. He reached into his pocket for his keys and unlocked the door. She wasn't home yet, but she had texted him saying that she and were roommates were on their way. He came in and set the pizza box on the counter and started the coffee pot.

Emma and her roommates walked in not a minute later. They took off their jackets, hanging them on the coat rack and scattered; Elsa into her room, Ruby into the bathroom and Emma into the kitchen.

"Morning, Swan."

"Good morning." She looked at the pizza box on the counter curiously, walking to the other side of the kitchen island. "What's this?"

Killian walked back to the island across from her and leaned his hands on the counter.

"It's called food, love."

Emma looked interested, but her words and body betrayed her as she walked over to grab a mug from the cupboard and poured herself some coffee.

"Killian, you know I don't eat breakfast."

"Yes, I'm well aware, but it's not breakfast, it's pizza."

"Yeah, at seven in the morning," She said, taking a sip from her mug as she leaned her back against the counter

"Emma, what time did you eat today?" He asked with a genuinely concerned expression.

"I ate at three this morning," She answered matter-of-factly.

"And let me guess, you had an apple and a bag of Lays potato chips. Am I right?"

Emma took another sip, trying to hide the guilty look on her face with her coffee mug.

"An apple and Doritos," She replied after she swallowed.

Killian sighed. She always had a tendency to forget about eating when she was at work.

"Swan, you need to eat. How many times do I have to tell you not to go to bed on an empty stomach?"

Emma rolled her eyes at him, walking back to the island.

"I thought I was the doctor, not you."

Killian gave her a sarcastic smirk.

"No, I'm your friend who loves you dearly, remember?"

"I know," She said, the corner of her lips curving into a coy grin.

He turned the pizza box around so that opening was facing her, and lifted the lid.

"Come on, you can't tell me you don't want a slice of this. Give it a whiff, love," He told her with a puppy-dog smile.

Her eyes became curious as she looked at the pizza, covered in black olives and veggies, the way she liked. She leaned in to let the warm aroma of the tomato sauce and cheese fill her senses, closing her eyes when the smell her nose.

"Mmm, that does smell good."

He took out a slice and held it up to her.

"Now tell me you don't want a bite, love."

Emma hesitantly opened her mouth and took a small bite, bringing some of the melted cheese with her as she pulled away.

"That's good," She said with her mouth full. She then took the slice from him and took a bigger bite, earning a victorious grin from Killian.

"Ooh, pizza for breakfast?" Ruby asked cheerfully as she entered the kitchen.

"It's not breakfast," Emma argued as she took another bite.

"Did I hear someone say pizza?" Elsa asked as she joined them.

"Aye, dig in ladies."

"Amen to twenty-four hour pizza places," Ruby laughed, grabbing a slice.

"Thank you Killian," They both told him as Elsa took one as well. The three of them wolfed down their slices, moaning as if they hadn't eaten in days.

Killian grinned at the sight and was pleased that he decided on pizza because he knew Emma wouldn't eat otherwise. She had always had an aversion about eating breakfast for reasons he could never figure out. Every time he had asked her out to breakfast, or tried to make her breakfast, she declined, saying it "felt too much like they were a couple". But he knew that wasn't the only reason. He remembered a time when they did go to breakfast together. It was right after her adoptive father had passed away. Ever since then, she seemed more closed off, always finding excuses not to get too close; closer than what he had wanted to be, anyway.

"Yes, thank you." Emma said sincerely as she grabbed a napkin to wipe her hands clean.

"You're welcome, loves."

When Emma finished her slice, she took a sip of coffee, earning a look of disgust from her friends.

"What?" Emma asked, confused expression crossing her features.

"Coffee with pizza? That is so gross," Ruby groaned.

Emma shrugged and took another sip.

"You know I drink coffee with anything."

"Yeah and at all hours of the day," Elsa laughed.

"What can I say? I'm weird. You both know that."

"I don't think you're weird, love."

Emma smiled as she looked at Killian.

"I know. One of the reasons why I love you."

Killian's heart jumped at her words, even though he knew she wasn't speaking of the same kind of love he felt for her.

"Is that brother of yours awake yet?" Elsa asked him.

"Not sure. I don't keep track of his whereabouts twenty-four-seven, love."

"You know, Elsa, I still don't understand why the two of you haven't moved in together yet," Ruby asked her. "You've been together for two years."

"Ruby, we've been over this, we're not trying to rush into anything. Besides, he practically lives here anyway."

Ruby rolled her eyes. "I know, believe me. Between you and Liam and you and you..." She pointed to Killian and Emma. "it's hard to get any sleep around here. And yes, we know about the two of you. The walls are pretty thin." Ruby smirked.

Emma and Killian looked at each other and blushed. They had tried to keep it a secret from them, but apparently had failed.

"And besides, you told Liam. You forget that he tells me everything." Elsa added.

"Of course he did, even though I told him not to." Killian sighed.

Ruby ignored them as she continued.

"But, you know what? That's fine. I have a date with Victor tonight."

"Oh Ruby, please tell me you aren't seeing him again." Emma groaned, but concern laced every word.

"Yeah, you know it's never a good idea to sleep with your boss." Elsa insisted.

"No, you know, you two do not get to give me relationship advice." Ruby pointed to Elsa as she spoke. "Between you, who's been in a two-year relationship that's slower than snails..." She then pointed to Emma. "And you, who's sleeping with your best friend and has never been on one actual date, you do not get to judge me!" Ruby said with a snarky grin.

"Well, I think this my cue to leave. I have to get going to work, anyway." Killian spoke coyly, with the sudden urge to escape this discussion with them.

"Sleep well, ladies." Killian told them as he waved, before he turned around, walking out of the kitchen.

Emma came around the counter and walked him to the door.

"Bye, Killian. Text me later?" Emma asked him as she hugged him, wrapping her arms around the back of his neck.

"Of course, love." His arms instinctively went around her waist and relished in her warm embrace as his body sank into hers. As he smelled her strawberry-scented hair, he felt the urge to kiss her lips, but instead, settled for her forehead, pressing his lips there. He thought he felt her breath hitch under his touch before he pulled away, but he convinced himself that he had imagined it.

"Bye, Emma." He reluctantly released her and walked out the door.

_*****_

_Emma and Killian sat down at a booth in Granny's Diner. It was the day after they were reunited again, and it felt so surreal to be with her again._

_They were both silent as they looked at the menus, when an older lady approached them to take their order._

_"Is this the boy you've told me so much about? " She asked Emma, as she eyed Killian._

_"Yes, it is." Emma said, flashing her a warm smile. "This is Killian."_

_"Nice to meet you, Killian. My name is Widow Lucas, but you can call me Granny." She smiled at him._

_"Nice to meet you, Granny." He smiled back at her._

_"Can I get you the usual, Buttercup?" She asked Emma._

_Emma replied with a nod and handed her the menu._

_"I'll have the same." He told her, handing his menu over as well. Emma didn't tell him what her usual was, but he knew. She had told him several times in the orphanage, that when she left, she was going to eat waffles with strawberries and whipped cream and drink hot cocoa and cinnamon everyday, since they never got that kind of food at Neverland._

_They were silent when they got their food. Killian could tell something had been bothering her since that morning, and she barely touched her food. She was stabbing at it with a fork, looking down, holding a solemn look on her face._

_"What is it, love? You've barely said one word since we got here."_

_"It's nothing..."_

_His eyes grew soft as he reached out and his hand and covered hers, trying to comfort her. "I know it's been a while since we've seen each other, but you know you can still tell me anything."_

_Emma's long lashes lifted, revealing her emerald green eyes as she looked up at him, showing him a weak smile._

_"I know. It's just... do you wanna go to this thing with me on Friday?"_

_"Of course, love. I'll go anywhere with you."_

_He found out later that the thing she was referring to, was her father's funeral. David was a police officer and was killed on duty. Killian had known something was off, but Emma had gotten pretty good at sheilding her emotions, even from him. The only time he had ever seen her cry, was while they were in the orphanage and it was the day before she left._

_*****_

Killian walked to his office downtown, not far from where Emma lived. He also lived close by, in a house that he and his friend, Robin, were renting. He walked into the adoption agency and was greeted by one of the kids who ran up to him.

"Killian!" he shouted.

"Hi there, lad. You're not chasing your sister with crayons again are you?"

The small boy shook his head.

"Nu-uh."

Killian raised a suspicious brow at him.

"Do I need to check your pockets?"

The boy frowned and reached in his pocket to take out a broken crayon, putting it in Killian's hand.

Killian chuckled as he ruffled the boy's hair.

"Now go play nicely with your sister."

The boy ran off as Killian greeted one of the other counselors, Belle, as she was pouring a cup of coffee into her mug in the break room.

"He's a sneaky one." Belle smiled.

"Aye. That he is. How are things today?"

"Busy as usual." Belle looked looked up at him suspiciously as she sipped her coffee. "Everything okay? You look like something's on your mind."

Killian looked away, trying to avoid her gaze as he grabbed a mug from the cupboard and filled it with coffee.

"Nothing, love."

Belle wasn't convinced.

"How long have we known each other? I know when something's bothering you."

He didn't reply, so she offered a guess.

"Does it have something to do with a certain blonde?"

Killian sighed and turned around to lean on the counter.

"Everything between me and Emma are fine, Belle."

"Then why am I not convinced?"

"Because you're too smart for your own good." He teased with a small smile curving his lips.

"Can I interject something Killian?"

His smile quickly faded.

"Sure, let's hear it." He already knew what she was going to say, which was why he tried to avoid the conversation all together. She was going to tell him how having sex with Emma was a bad idea and that he should back out. It wasn't that simple, though. He should have never told Belle in the first place.

"Look, I know that Emma is your best friend and I have nothing against her, but I have to say this anyway. I think she's hiding behind your friendship."

Killian sighed as he set down his coffee and put his face in his hands. Here it comes.

"I mean, with you, she never has to have a real relationship. And she knows that you'll never leave her or hurt her, and that makes her feel safe and comfortable. But I know that you want more with her, and eventually you're going to have to make a choice because you know deep inside, that you and Emma both deserve better than what you're allowing yourselves to have."

He lifted his head up when she finished.

"I know, love. I just don't want to lose her."

"I know you don't. But if you keep this up, you're going to lose her anyway."

He knew she was right. He had to either end the situation or tell her how he felt.

"You're right, as usual, Belle." He said, smiling at her.

"Here's an idea. How about you just ask her out on a date? That way, you're not telling her you're in love with her right off the bat. Just gradually get her to where you're at. You never know, she might say yes."

"I don't think she would. Why do you think I haven't before? She doesn't want anything romantic."

"So, she tells you. She might be just afraid that things will change between the two of you. She might be scared, like you are, thinking that if it doesn't work out, she's going to lose you."

"And if she says no, you don't think things will be weird between us? What if she never wants to speak to me again?"

Belle raised a brow at him.

"You really think that Emma would do that to you? I think she loves you more than you know, Killian. And I think the worse that could happen is that she says no."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I'm not, but you'll never know unless you try." Belle smiled sympathetically as she headed to her office, leaving him to dwell on his thoughts.

*****

_The funeral took place outside on a warm, sunny day and Killian drove with Emma, meeting her mother and sister there._

_"Killian, it's nice to see you again. Although, I'm sorry it had to be under these circumstances." Mary Margaret smiled weakly, eyes shining with unshed tears, as she gave him a hug._

_"Very sorry for your loss, Mrs. Nolan."_

_"Please, call me Mary Margeret." She told him as they pulled apart._

_Killian nodded with a smile before he averted his attention to Lily, who had brought a guy with her._

_"Killian, this is Lily and her boyfriend, August." Emma told him._

_He gave Lily a hug and shook August's hand. "Nice to meet you, mate."_

_"You too."_

_"So, Killian, Emma tells me you're going to Boston University with her in the fall."_

_"Aye. For Human Services."_

_"Well, at least you two will be able to make up for lost time," Mary Margeret said, as Emma rubbed her back to sooth her. He could tell the woman was trying to distract herself as she put on a brave smile._

_"Yes, indeed." He smiled, catching Emma's gaze. They definitely had a lot of catching up to do and he looked forward to every second of it._

_Killian drove Emma to her mother's house after the funeral, coming inside with her. They had some friends and family over, but Emma just wanted to be alone. She took Killian's hand and led him up to her bedroom._

_She sat on the bed silently as he took a seat next to her. She stared at the floor, her hands pressed between her knees. He patiently awaited in silence, knowing that was just what she needed; no words, just her thoughts._

_Then, all of a sudden, she burst into tears, as if she had been holding them in for years. She tried not be loud, but her voice failed her as she laid her head on his chest, just needing to be comforted by his embrace. He instantly put his arms tightly around her, kissing the top of her head as he cradled her._

_"It's okay, let it out, love." He spoke in a soft, soothing whisper and rubbed her back._

_She didn't say anything for a while, until her tears were gone. "Killian, I don't ever want to lose you again." She choked out. "Please don't ever leave. I can't lose another person."_

_"I'm not going anywhere. I promise." He let a tear slip from his eyes, down his cheek as he held her close to his chest, never wanting to let her go._

_*****_

When Killian came home, he threw his keys on his end table in the living room. He sat on the couch, putting his face in his hands, thinking about his conversation with Belle. Could he really just ask Emma out and be a normal couple? It just couldn't be that easy.

He was interrupted from his thoughts when Robin came through the door.

"Please tell me you are not sulking about Emma, mate." He said, walking over and joined him on the couch.

"Why does everyone always assume that everything I do is about Emma?" Killian's voice was muffled into his hands.

Robin chuckled.

"Because it is."

Just then, his phone buzzed and he lifted his head up, reaching into his pocket for it. It was Emma, asking him to hang out.

"It's from Emma, isn't it?" Robin asked.

Killian didn't say anything, which answered his question.

"Let me ask you something. How long to you really think you can keep this up?"

Killian sighed as he stood up and grabbed his keys. News travelled quickly between him and Emma's circle of friends. Once one of them got wind of something, it was only a matter of time before everyone knew.

"Look, I've heard it from Belle and my brother. I don't need this from you too."

"Killian, I'm not judging you. I think what your doing is smart."

Killian looked at him, confused.

Robin stood up and approached him in front of the door.

"I think it's better than sleeping around with random strangers. I mean, you and Emma both trust one another and you know what the other likes. You don't have to have awkward goodbyes when it's over, and you can just be yourselves. It's the perfect setup, really."

"Yes, it would be..."

"... but you're in love with her, so it makes it complicated. I'm not going to tell you what to do, though. You're grown adults and you know that I love the both of you, dearly, and I stand behind you one-hundred percent. I'm just hoping that you both can make it on the other side."

"I hope so, too," Killian said, giving Robin a weak smile before he turned around and left, heading for Emma's place.

*****

_"Thank you for staying, Killian. I know that I was a mess." Emma told him as she walked him to his car._

_"You don't have to be ashamed to cry in front of me, love. You know I'll always be here for you." Killian said, caressing her cheek._

_Emma smiled._

_"I know. And I really don't deserve you. You'd probably be better off without me."_

_Killian's face fell at her words._

_"Why would you say that, Emma?"_

_She shrugged._

_"I'm just damaged goods. You've always been so strong and optimistic and I would just bring you down."_

_His heart clenched as he spoke._

_"Emma, that is so far from the truth. You don't know much light you have shone in my life since the day we met. I wouldn't trade you for anyone else in the world."_

_Emma forced a smile before she backed away._

_"I have to go back inside. But um, call me later okay."_

_"Goodnight, love."_

_"Goodnight." Emma said, turning around and he watched her as she headed back inside._

_He knew from that moment, she would never know exactly how much she actually meant to him. There weren't even words to describe it. And it was something he felt since the moment he laid eyes on her. How could he even begin to tell her?_


	3. Feelings Are Overrated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while since I've updated. I have two other stories going and wasn't sure if anyone was really interested in the story. So, if you feel like it, let me know what you think.

Emma woke the next morning, the sunlight peering through the windows. With Killian's arm splayed over her stomach, she turned to her side and buried her face into the crook his neck to block out the light, wrapping her arms around him underneath the blanket for warmth. He let out a soft sigh as he gripped her tighter, his chest hair tickling her breasts. She grimaced at the thought of having to leave his side soon. She kissed his neck and tried to get a few more minutes of sleep, but the sound of him groaning as she did so, intrigued her. Her lips continued their way down his neck and he sighed pleasantly as his hand moved to her butt, pressing his erection into her. A moan escaped her lips as she felt desire pooling inside her.

"Killian..."

He responded by lifting her leg and pulling it around his hip as he nudged her entrance. The feeling of him made her clit throb, wetness soaking his tip.

"Bloody hell..." he groaned, his voice muffled against her skin. He grabbed her hip and gave a practiced thrust as he started to enter her tight walls. She moaned and met his hips with hers as she took his long length inside of her. "God, love... "

He lifted her leg for better access as he rocked into her. They found eachother's lips, their eyes still closed as their tongues made lazy circles around the other. His pace picked up as they became more awake, breathing heavily as she felt her orgasm building. They both came within minutes and she lowered her leg as he slipped out of her. He kissed her forehead as he held her close.

"You know... Morning sex is really the best way to wake up," she breathed, smiling like an idiot. But who was she kidding? Any sex with Killian was the best, period.

"It is, indeed," he smirked, his thumb grazing over the soft skin of her arm. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I slept okay." That wasn't exactly the truth. She always slept like a baby when he spent the night with her. She slept like there wasn't anywhere else in the world she wanted to be. Being with him made her feel things she really didn't want to feel. She didn't want to feel like she was complete and whole when she was with him. She didn't want to feel butterflies in her stomach every time she looked at him. She didn't want her heart to race as she thought of what she really _didn't_ want to tell him. 

No, she could never tell him that, could she? If she told him all of the things she really felt for him, then maybe, just maybe she wouldn't feel all of this weight on her shoulders. Maybe, just maybe, she could be happy.

"Killian..."

"Hmmm?"

"I..."

"What is it, love?" 

In that moment, she looked at him and saw a glimpse of hope in his eyes. And then her heart clenched and her throat closed up, becoming dry to the point where she could barely breath. What was she doing? She couldn't tell him. Her features relaxed as she swallowed her words.

"I just..." She gives him tentative smile as she caressed his cheek with her thumb. "Just kiss me."

She didn't have to tell him twice before his lips are on hers and their tongues meet as they wrapped their arms around each other. They just kissed like that for a while until she had to go to work.  

_*****_

_**Six years ago...** _

_"Hey Robbie, we need two beers."_

_Emma and Killian sat at the bar counter of Locksley's British Pub on a Monday night after their first day of classes for the semester. They both had started graduate school and knew that their hangouts at Robin's new bar would be limited, but they wanted to make the most of it._

_"Em, how many times have I told you not to call me Robbie?" Robin asked as he uncapped the beers, handing them to his friends._

_Emma ignored him as she took a swig._

_"You've done a great job with the place, Robin," Killian said to him._

_"Thank you, Killian. I really just cleaned it up though. It was pretty rundown, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out."_

_"Well, I still think you should have gotten a karaoke machine," Emma said as she looked across the bar at the juke box. As she did, she saw a woman sitting at one of the table with her friends. Emma noticed her because instead of being focused on the conversation around her, her eyes were focused on the bar. And it only took Emma a second to realize her eyes were specifically on Killian._

_"No way would I be able to put up with that all day. That's why I went with the juke box instead."_

_"Hey, Killian, that woman over there is checking you out," she said turning back around in her seat._

_Killian started to turn when Emma placed her hand on his arm to stop him._

_"Don't look. It'll be too obvious."_

_"She's probably just looking at Robin, anyway," Killian argued._

_Robin looked over Emma's shoulder to see who she was talking about._

_"She's right. That woman is definitely checking you out."_

_"You should go talk to her," Emma encouraged him as she nudged his shoulder with hers._

_"I don't think so," Killian declined, drinking his beer._

_"Come on, she's cute. Right Robin?"_

_"Yeah, I'd say so. Although not as cute as you, Emma," Robin said, winking at her._

_Emma responded with a sarcastic smirk._

_"I'm not interested okay?" As Killian said that, he turned without even thinking. When he saw her, he quickly turned back around in his seat. "I know her. She's in one of my classes."_

_"That's great. You two will have something to talk about," Emma told him. He looked at her and she knew what he was thinking. She knew that he really wanted to be with her, but she would never be able to give him what he needed. She knew that he deserved so much better than her._

_"You sure about this, Emma?"_

_Emma paused, looking into his eyes. Of course, she wasn't sure. The thought of him being with someone else made her cringe, but this was the way it had to be. "Of course I am. I want you to be happy, Killian. Now go," she said with an encouraging smile._

_He sighed and stood up, walking over to her as Emma and Robin watched him._

_"Come on, Emma, we both know that's not what you really want," Robin said as he leaned over the bar counter._

_"I want him to be happy."_

_"Okay, but you know you're going to regret this, right?"_

_She didn't answer, she just continued to watch Killian approach the brunette and itch behind his ear nervously as he talked to her. The woman was smiling and flirting with him and Emma felt a pang of jealousy in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't watch anymore so she turned around and saw the look on Robin's face that said 'I told you so.'_

_Killian came back a minute later, holding a napkin in his hand, waving it at them and when she got a closer look, she could see that it was a phone number with the name, Milah above it._

*****

After a twenty-hour shift at the hospital, Emma walked down the corridor ready to go home and sleep, when someone called her name from behind.

"Emma, wait up."

Even though she couldn't see the person, she knew exactly who it was and continued to head towards the door, pretending not to hear him.

"Hey, Emma." 

She sighed when he came up to her.

"Hey, Neal," she murmured, still walking. 

"Listen, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some coffee sometime?"

She stopped abruptly and turned to look at him, causing him to stop as well. "Look, Neal, I'm not interested. You can ask me out 400 more times and I'm still not going be interested. So, why don't you go ask one of the many other female doctors here who I'm sure would love to go on a date with you." She started walking again, but he called after her.

"Come on Emma, it's just one coffee."

"The answer's still no," she called back before she walked out the doors. As soon as she did, her phone chirped and she took it out of her purse to see that it was Lily texting her, asking her to meet her. Emma replied back and told her to stop by her apartment. When she got home, Lily was waiting for her outside with an unreadable look I'm her eyes.

"Hey, is everything alright?"

Lily's face lit up as she approached Emma and a bright smile took over her features. 

"Emma, I have some really big news. It happened yesterday and I wanted to tell you in person."

"Tell me what?"

Lily held out her hand and Emma looked down to look at it, seeing that she was wearing a diamond ring on her engagement finger. 

"August and I are getting married!"

"Oh my god, I'm so happy for you," Emma smiled, giving her a hug. Although she wasn't surprised. They were pretty much a married couple already and had been for a while.

They broke away from the hug and headed inside the apartment building. 

"Mom was screaming and crying when I told her. She's going to take me wedding gown shopping this weekend and I want you to come if you don't have to work.'

"I can just have someone cover part of my shift," Emma told her as they walked upstairs to her unit.

"Okay, great. And also, I was wondering if you be my maid of honor?"

"Of course I will. Why wouldn't I?" 

"Well, I just know you don't like weddings or anything that has to do with them."

"I don't, but how often does my sister get married?"

"Well, hopefully only once," she laughed.

Emma took her keys from her purse and unlocked the door. They went inside as Liliy continued on about the Wedding.

_*****_

_**Two years ago...** _

_"Emma, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor?" Ruby nagged her as she came into the living room from the hallway, finding Emma laying on the couch reading a book._

_"Sorry, Ruby. Won't happen again," she called out as her face was still in her book._

_"Right, that's what you say everytime," Ruby sighed as she plopped down in the other couch across from her._

_Elsa joined them and lifted Emma's legs up to sit on the couch, picking the remote up to turn on the t.v._

_"Can't you two go in your rooms and watch t.v? I'm trying to read."_

_Why don't you go in your room then?" Elsa asked as she flipped through the channels._

_"Because I was here first."_

_Just then, Emma's phone vibrated on the coffee table. When she saw the goofy selfie of her and Killian on her phone, she accepted the call._

_"Hey blue eyes, it's about time you called," she answered, but only heard his breathing on the other end. Her features fell as she sat up. "Killian, what's wrong?"_

_Elsa turned the t.v. off as they looked at her, concerned._

_Finally he spook in a low, deep tone. "It's Milah... she broke up with me."_

Emma's eyes went wide in shock, surprised that she would do that to him. "What? Why?"

_"She just said that she wanted to see other people."_

_Her heart sank in her chest, knowing that he was hurting._

_"You at home?"_

_"Yeah."_

_Emma stood up and walked over to the closet to retrieve her shoes and jacket. "I'll be right over."_

*****

The day before Emma was supposed to go gown shopping with her mother and sister, she felt completely and utterly miserable and it wasn't just because her sister was getting married. No, the reason why she was laying in her sweatpants and hoodie, curled into a ball and wrapped in a blanket on the couch in the middle of the day was because her time of the month had arrived, a few days earlier than usual. She was bloated and felt a sharp pain in her stomach and all she wanted to do was crawl into a hole and burry herself there.

Ruby slumped into the other couch, holding a heating pad over her stomach as Elsa came into the room from the kitchen, carrying two cups of hot tea. 

"My sister's getting married," Emma groaned as Elsa handed her one of the mugs. She was happy for Lilly, she really was, but it was just a reminder that she was not even close to that point. She probably never would be.

"We know that. You told us," Elsa reminded her as she gave Ruby the other tea.

"Ughh, shut up, Emma," Ruby whined as she sipped the hot liquid and leaned her head on the back of the couch, closing her eyes.

"Did you take your pamprin?" Elsa asked Ruby as she sat on the floor, leaning against the couch.

"Leave me alone..."

"You leave me alone."

As Emma nursed her drink, her phone started ringing and she grabbed it from the coffee table, not even seeing who was calling her to know who it was.

"I told you not to come over, Killian. It's not safe in here."

She had texted him earlier, letting him know what he'd be walking into if he did, knowing he would come by anyway, but she had to try. She didn't like him seeing her like this. 

"I've got cupcakes."

"Fine."

A few minutes later, Killian opened the door and cautiously stepped in, holding a bakery box in his hand.

The girls all turned to look at him as he walked over to them.

"Do you think you have red velvet?" Elsa asked him, eyeing the box curiously.

"I do indeed, love." Killian set the box on the coffee table, opening it up to retrieve the cupcake, and handed it to Elsa.

"Ooh, I want chocolate," Ruby said, reaching her hand out. 

He handed her a chocolate one and then gave Emma one with buttercream frosting that he knew was her favorite. 

"Good ole faithful Killian. Always to the rescue," Ruby said as the girls bit into their cupcakes. 

Killian sat next to Emma and she sat up and reversed her position so that she could lean her head in his lap. She laid on her side, facing the girls with her legs curled up on the couch. His hand came up to move stray strands of hair from her face and behind her shoulder. 

"I just can't believe you came. Liam wouldn't even be within a ten mile radius of the three of us when our cycles sync up," Elsa said.

"Well, I am not my brother. I can't be scared off that easily. You're women and I think that's a beautiful thing," he murmured as he lowered his head to place a kiss on the back of Emma's head and began messaging her shoulder with one hand while the other was entwined in her fingers. She closed her eyes, relishing in his touches, forgetting for a brief moment that she was in pain.

Later that night, Killian and Emma were sitting back in her bed against the headboard, their legs stretched out in front of them as they listened to 'Bleeding Love'. It was a song that was part of a 'period mix' he had gotten her years ago to make her feel better during her menstrual cycle.

He tried to feed her a spoonful of soup while singing along to the lyrics. 

"Come on, love. Eat your soup. It's good for your uterus," he encouraged when she refused to eat it.

"Get that away from me," she whined as she turned her face away, grimacing. The sound and sight of food was not appealing to her in her current state.

"Just take it or I'll keep singing." He gave her a pleading smile as he lifted the spoon to her mouth again. She finally turned her head to face him as she surrendered, slurping it in her mouth.

"That's a good lass." He continued to feed it to her and when she finished it, he set the bowl on the night stand and pulled her into his arms, stroking her hair as she leaned her head on his chest. His warm embrace comforted her as she listened to his heartbeat and felt his chest rise and fall as he breathed. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and she closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep.

_*****_  

_Emma had stopped at a convenient store to get a few essential items before she went to Killian's place. When she got there, she used the key he had made for her years ago and unlocked the door, carrying a grocery sac in her arm as she entered. He was no where in sight as she walked into the kitchen and took the items out, putting them on the counter. She retrieved a bowl from the cupboard and an ice cream scooper from a drawer, scooping some ice cream into it before putting the carton in the freezer. She opened the bottle of Kahlua that she had purchased and poured some into the bowl before she went to find him. She walked down the hallway and slowing opened his bedroom door._

_When she entered the room, he was laying in bed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, staring at the ceiling  with a blank look across his features._

_"Hey," she murmured in a soft and soothing voice. "I got you some ice cream and Kahlua. It's the ultimate cure for being dumped. At least that's what Ruby and Elsa always tell me," she explained, her lips curling into a small smile. Emma herself never had experience in that department._

_She walked over and climbed in bed, sitting next to him with her knees raised and parted as she leaned against the headboard. "Come here," she told him as she patted a spot between her legs with her free hand._

_He complied and positioned himself until he was sitting in front of her, his back pressed to her chest. She reached her arms over his shoulders and fed him the ice cream with the Kahlua, being careful not to spill it._

_"Thanks love," he said, licking the chocolate and alcohol from his lips_

_"Do you want to talk about it?"_

_He gave a heavy sigh as he replied. "There's not really much to tell. It just happened all of a sudden. I mean, I thought we were happy and that things were going well..."_

_"I know you did. I'm so sorry, Killian."_

_He didn't say anything after that, only offered her a weak smile._

_After he finished the ice cream, she set it on the night stand and he settled himself into her, leaning the back of his head on her shoulder. Her hands reached to cupphis face, stroking his stubbled jaw with her thumb._

_"What can I do, Killian?"_

_He looked up at her and his eyes were dark and full of emotion as they bore into hers._ _He had loved Milah and as much as Emma had tried to hate her over the years, she couldn't because she made him happy. And that's all she ever wanted for him._

_"Just stay here with me, love. I just... just your peresence is all I need..."_

_Emma's heart ached for him as she wrapped her arms snugly around his stomach, her hand smoothing over his shirt as he buried his face into the crook of her neck._

_"I'm here, Killian and I'm not going anywhere. I promise." She ran her fingers through his hair, soothingly as he closed his eyes and grabbed her free hand, bringing it to his cheek. Her heart fluttered as he held it against his warm skin. They fell into a comfortable silence as he pressed his face further into her hand. She combed her fingers through his tousled hair as he slowly drifted off to sleep. She reached for the blanket that was tossed to the side and covered him with it as she leaned down to press a kiss to the top of his head. She rested her cheek there as she felt him breathing steadily underneath her. She soon fell asleep knowing he was safe in her arms._


	4. Don't Get Jealous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments, glad you are enjoying it!
> 
> I wrote this chapter all in one day because I was dying to post it... and just a warning, you're probably going to hate me and love me at the same time :).

Killian woke up the next morning with Emma snug in his arms, her breathing soft against his chest. It was one of the most wonderful feelings in the world to have her there and they weren't actually naked, which made it even better. He loved when the moments they shared weren't about sex. Not that he didn't love the sex, because lord knows he did, but he also loved when they were just together like old times. Those moments had become rare since they started having sex because she said that there had to be some boundaries for this to work and thus establishing rules. Those rules, however, were slowly being broken one by one. This gave him hope that maybe they could be more. And that maybe Belle was right. Maybe she did love him more than he knew. Maybe they could begin a normal romantic relationship.

He kissed the back of her head through her disheveled hair as she stirred awake. She turned around, a weak smile pulling at her lips as her eyelids slowly opened, her long lashes revealing the sparkling green eyes he had fell in love with fifteen years ago.

"How are you feeling love?"

"Better. Although, I kind of wish I wasn't, so I'd have an excuse not to go dress shopping with my sister today."

He looked at her confused. "How come? I thought you were happy for her."

"I am but... I don't know. Seeing her getting married is just a reminder of all of the things I don't have."

He arched a curious brow at her. "What things, exactly?"

"You know, having someone to spend the rest of my life with. Having breakfast with them every morning and doing the crossword puzzle together while drinking coffee at the kitchen table and not having to engage in mundane conversation because the silence is so comfortable that there's no need for it."

Killian swallowed thickly as he searched her eyes. She had never talked about this before. She had never talked about sharing a future with someone while having a clear picture in her mind of what that would look like. It turns out that they had similar pictures. "Do you want those things?"

Her face fell as she looked away from him. "I don't know what I want." She disentangled herself from his hold and sat up with her legs crossed.

"Emma?"

She turned her head around and looked at him with _that_ look of hers that he know so well. That look that she tried to hide behind when she was trying to conceal her feelings. It was like her eyes were putting up imaginary walls to protect herself from giving into her emotions. But it wasn't a cold, heartless look; Emma was anything but that. It was a look of pure fear. 

"Love, please come back to me," he said in a soft, soothing voice as he reached out his hand to her. 

Her features slowly relaxed and she finally took it, but he could tell her walls were still up.

There was a long silence as they just sat their holding hands. But it was far from comfortable. Killian could tell that the wheels were turning in her head and normally he could read her like an open book, but she looked too distant.

Then she blurted her thoughts out like they would have no effect on him. "Killian, I think that you should hook up with someone."

He froze at her words, a wave of terror shooting through his body as he tried to find the words to respond. "What?"

"You should find someone else to have sex with. We both should."

"You can't be bloody serious?" he asked a bit harshly as he released her hand. It was like she had just kicked him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

"I am."

He closed his eyes as he tried to process what she was telling him. It would have been different if she had just told him that she wanted to end the physical part of their relationship, that he could accept, but telling him that she wanted him to be intimate with someone else while she did the same was just too hard to digest. "So you just want me to go?"

Emma nodded her head in response, but at the same time, looking unsure of her decision.

"Emma, please. Let's talk about this."

She turned back around, facing away from him. "Just go, please."

He sighed exasperatedly as he put his face in his hands. "Fine." He got off the bed and walked towards the door, but paused as he turned to look at her once again, hoping she would change her mind. 

She stood up and came over to him, taking his hand. "This will be good for us, Killian." 

He looked away from her, releasing her hand and reached for the doorknob. "Yeah, this is just great," he mumbled before he walked out the door, slamming it behind him. 

When he left her apartment, he felt enraged that she would do this to him. Why the hell would he want to hook up with someone else? He loved _her_. He wanted to be with _her._ Maybe if he just told her that, then maybe... no, he was convinced at this point that it would just make things worse. 

Killian walked into his place and threw his keys across the kitchen table, watching them slide across the surface before they fell to the floor. He laid down on the couch, staring at the ceiling, his heart aching in his chest.

*****

**_Six Months Ago..._ **

_Killian was in the produce section of the grocery store with Liam and Robin, scratching his ear as he tried to pick out snacks and beverages for that night. They were meeting with the some other guys for poker night at their place._

_Liam was dating Elsa at the time, whom he had met through Emma. She went to school with her and Ruby and the three of them got an apartment together sophomore year. Emma and Killian met Robin when they turned twenty-one and started frequenting the bar that he had worked at. The six of them have been pretty much inseparable ever since and as much as the boys loved spending time with the girls, they needed a guys night._

_"It's easy. Nachos and beer. Everyone loves nachos and beer," Robin said as he picked up some avocados for guacamole, putting them in the cart._

_"I know, but I thought we could do something different too." Killian said as he looked at other produce, trying to get ideas. He went around to where the potatoes were and picked a few of them up and put them in a bag, thinking about using them for potato skins. He then looked up and started walking towards his friend and brother when he heard a familiar voice from behind him._

_"Killian?"_

_He cringed as he turned around. Just when he thought that seeing her was bad enough, she was with another familiar face. His fingers clenched into fists as he tried to compose himself at what he saw. It was Gold. Not only was he Killian's former professor, but they had a history that went beyond that. At one point, he was more like a father figure to him. That all changed, though, when he found out that the reason why Milah had actually dumped him was so that she could be with Gold._

_"Milah. Gold," he greeted with a condescending sneer to his voice._

_"Hi, Killian. It's nice to see you again," Milah said._

_"Sorry, but the feelings are definitely not mutual."_

_"Killian, please, we broke up over a year ago. Can't we get past this?"_

_"No, love, you broke up with me, remember? And for your information I am past it."_

_"Well that's good. Then you wouldn't mind us sharing the news," Gold told him._

_"What news?"_

_Milah smiled and held out her hand, her ring finger holding a large rock._

_"We're getting married."_

_He felt  blood boiling inside of him at that. He had spent four years with her and every time he had brought up marriage or a future with her, she became distant so eventually he had stopped. And yet, here she is not two years later engaged to someone else._

_"Bloody fantastic." He turned around and approached Liam and Robin, tossing the potatoes in the cart. "I'll be in the car," he snapped as he continued walking to the entrance._

****

It was the fourth snowfall of the season as the town became dusted in white. Christmas was just around the corner as Killian walked past the happy couples holding hands and carrying shopping bags from the various shops. He could see the colorful lights decorating the streets and hear bells ringing and all of the other cheerful sights and sounds that came with the holiday. It was all just bloody bright and cheery, but he himself was not in the Christmas spirit. After he had left Emma's apartment that day, he gave her space like she asked. And he hasn't heard from her since. 

Killian stepped into the bar, joining Liam as Robin was working behind the counter.

"Hey, brother. Any word from Emma?" 

He shook his head. "She hasn't spoken to me in a week. No calls, no texts, not even a booty call. Nothing. She hasn't even stopped into the agency to see the kids." Robin handed him a glass of rum as he continued. "And she wants me to hook up with other people. What the bloody hell am I supposed to do now?"

"I say hook up with other girls," Liam replied. 

Killian looked at him in bewilderment. He couldn't believe what his brother was telling him. Liam knew very well of his feelings for Emma and that sleeping with someone else was not going to make them go away. He had already tried that by dating Milah, which didn't bloody work.

"Look Killian, when's the last time you've been with another woman besides Milah and Emma?"

Killian didn't respond, he just looked down at his hands. Between falling in love with Emma and then dating Milah, then taking a year and a half to recover from Milah, then starting a sexual relationship with Emma - there was really no room for starting anything with someone else.

"That's what I thought. And now Emma's giving you the opportunity to engage in the rumpy-pumpy with someone else. I say, take it as a gift. In ten years from now, you're going to be having sex with your wife, whether it be Emma or not. But, the point is, you need to move on and stop chasing something that may never happen."

"I have to agree with Liam here, Killian. And you know that we both love Emma, but if she really wants to be with you, she needs to step up and fight for you, mate."

"Aye. And the best way to make that happen is to show her that you're capable of being without her," Liam said with conviction. 

"But I'm not."

"I know, but she needs to believe that. Then she'll realize she's made a mistake. Just trust me." 

"Liam, I'm not going to sleep with some random woman to make Emma jealous."

  _*****_

_Killian woke up the next morning, feeling like he had been drilled in the head with a jackhammer. He squinted, the bright light creeping in through the windows as he raised his hand to shield it from his eyes. He looked around, trying to take in his surroundings. He was on Emma's couch in her apartment and Ruby was sitting at the island counter eating cereal. His head fell back into the couch, closing his eyes again as he tried to recall what happened last night, but there was nothing._

_"Morning sunshine," Ruby cooed with a bright smile across her features. "You look like you could use some coffee."_

_"Aye. Coffee would be good," he groaned as she poured him a cup. He opened his eyes and slowly sat up, taking the coffee mug from Ruby as she handed it to him._

_"Thank you, lass." He took a sip, the hot liquid waking his senses a bit. That's when he looked down and realized he was covered in a blanket... and only a blanket._

_"Hey uh... where are my pants?" he asked as he looked around for them._

_"Oh. You don't remember what happened last night, do you?"_

_"No, not a bloody thing," he answered as he tried to put together the pieces. He was naked on the couch in an apartment full of his female friends and Ruby was looking at him as though she were offended._

_"Did we...?"_

_She sat next to him and put her hand on his knee._

_She nodded. "Yeah. I didn't know my body could handle that much pain... and that I would like it."_

_"Killian, you left your socks in my room," Elsa said as she came into the living room and dropped his socks in his lap._

_"Did I by any chance leave my pants in there too?"_

_"No. You took them off before you came into my room."_

_Bloody hell. He had sex with Liam's girlfriend, too? This couldn't be real._

_"Quit teasing him," Emma told Ruby and Elsa as she came into the kitchen in her bathrobe, pouring a cup of coffee. "Feeling any better?" she asked him._

_"Emma, did I have sex with anyone in this apartment?"_

_She shook her head before sipping her coffee. "No, you didn't silly."_

_He breathed a sigh of relief and Ruby took her hand off his knee as her and Elsa giggled._

_"Yeah, that's funny. Bloody hilarious."_

_"Sorry, we couldn't resist," Ruby said, still laughing._

_"But I do have your pants. Follow me and I'll get them for you," Emma told him as she started walking towards her bedroom._

_"Thank you, Emma." Killian said, flashing Ruby and Elsa an unappreciative look for their not-so-helpful antics as he stood up and wrapped the blanket around his waist before he followed Emma into her room._

_*****_

That night, Killian was sitting at home on his couch, trying to think about what to do about Emma. He thought that he might go insane not seeing her, but what was he supposed to do? She needed space and he didn't want to push her away even further by not giving her what she needed.

He looked at his phone for the millionth time to see if she had called or text, but there was nothing. He was originally going to go with her to the Christmas party at the hospital, but he figured his invitation had been rescinded when she told him to hook up with someone else and not even bothered to get a hold of him after that. And Liam hadn't mentioned anything when he left to pick up Elsa for the party.

Just then, Robin came through the door and Killian looked up to see that he wasn't alone. Two women were with him. A blonde and brunette.

"Killian, this is Joy and Lisa. I met them at the bar. Ladies, this is Killian."

"Robin, can I talk to you for a second?" Killian stood up and walked with Robin into the kitchen.

"Sure, mate. What's up?"

"Why did you bring them here?"

"I'm getting you laid. What do you think?"

"I'm not interested. I told you. I'm not going to sleep with some random girl to prove something to Emma."

"Fine, but I brought them all the way over here. At least have a couple drinks with us."

Killian sighed in surrender as Robin grabbed a bottle of wine and glasses. The girls were still standing by the door as Killian sat back on the couch.

"Ladies. Join us for some drinks," Robin said to them as he sat in the chair across from Killian, while Joy and Lisa sat on either side of Killian. "Aren't you a cutie," Lisa said, pawing at his chest. 

"I already called dibs," Joy argued as if he were a slab of meat. They had clearly gotten drunk before they even arrived there.

"Robin, will you take a picture of us?" Lisa asked with a smile and girls both had their hands all over Killian. He wanted to escape and just go to the Christmas party to find Emma, but he was trying not to be rude.

"Would love to." Robin quickly grabbed Killian's phone from the coffee table and hit the camera button, taking a picture before he could stop him. 

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" Killian asked as he stood up, reaching for his phone. Robin pulled it away as he was frantically fiddling with it before he gave it back to him.

"What did you do?" Killian asked.

"Sorry, Killian, but you'll thank me later," Robin said before he walked towards the door and left.

Killian looked down at the phone and saw that the picture Robin had just taken was sent to Emma.

***** 

_"Here's your pants. I washed them for you," Emma said as she handed them to him along with his boxers and sat on the edge of her bed beside him. He was still naked with only a blanket covering his member._

_"Thank you, love," he said, setting his pants and boxers on the bed while he was trying to remember the events of last night. "So what exactly happened?"_

_"Well, you got drunk with the guys and then texted me saying you were coming over and that it was an emergency. You showed up completely smashed and did this little dance as you took off your clothes."_

_"Bloody hell. Sorry, love."_

_"No, it was very entertaining," she laughed. "And you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have a really nice penis," she assured him with a smirk._

_"You looked at it?" he asked curiously. At that point, they had never seen each other naked and he was just sorry that the first time that she seen the most intimate part of him was when he was drunk and dancing around like an idiot._

_"Yeah, I looked," she answered proudly. "It would have been hard not to with you shaking it around though."_

_"I shook my dick at you?" He asked, appalled and embarrassed. "God, love. I'm so sorry. I'm such a mess because I ran into Milah and Gold yesturday and found out they're getting married."_

_"I know. You told me about it while you were naked and crying."_

_He sighed and apologized again as he leaned his head on Emma's shoulder._

_She rested her head on his as she rubbed his back. "It's okay, Killian."_

_"Thank you, love, for taking care of me when I'm a wreck."_

_He put his hand on her knee absentmindedly, caressing it with his thumb. Without even thinking, he looked down and could see that she was wearing a purple laced bra underneath her robe. Then it dawned on him that he was still naked. If his head wasn't a jumbled mess right then, he probably would have done the smart thing and pulled away from her._

_There had been plenty of times when he wondered what it would be like to make love to her, but he never let his urges control him. He always pushed his feelings down and continued to be there for her as a platonic friend would be, but in that moment, he felt no desire to do so. His body started to respond as that of a man's instead of a friend's as he let one hand slide across her skin underneath the robe while the other one was in his lap, keeping the blanket from falling. His heart started racing as he reached her thigh._

_He could hear her breathing hitch and he thought he might get smacked, but she made no such movements to stop him. He started kneading his fingers into her firm, milky thigh, desire pooling inside him. His brain was telling him to stop and that this was a very bad idea, but there was another part of his body that was coming to life and telling him to continue._

_His thumb swept across her clothed center and fuck. His shaft twitched, becoming half-mast as he felt how wet she was. He looked up at her and swallowed thickly as her lashes dipped and she lowered her eyes to his lips. The air became thick with tension, his breathing unsteady as his lips came dangerously close to hers._

_"I should probably get ready now. I don't want to be late," she breathed as her fingers played with the hair on his nape._

_"Yeah, you wouldn't want to be late," he repeated, but at the same time he lifted his hand to pull at the belt of her robe._

_"No, that would be bad."_

_They made no movements to get up._

_Once her belt was untied, he slid his free hand across her shoulder, letting her robe fall off of her body, revealing her bra and matching panties. Her eyes went back to his as and they both paused for a brief moment, getting caught up in a heated stare._

_Then, it all happened in one swift motion. He let go of the blanket, allowing it to fall to the floor as he smashed his lips into hers for a bruising kiss. At the same time, he wrapped his arm around her, lifting her and bringing her towards the head of the bed as he laid atop of her._

_They both moaned softly as their tongues met and he felt a volt of electricity course through his body. Their lips moved hot and passionate against one another as he slid his hand underneath her panties, tugging them down. She arched her back and lifted her bottom, allowing him to pull them down as he broke the kiss to remove them off of her gorgeous legs. He immediately came back to her, recapturing her lips as he started grinding his fully hard shaft against her bare nub._

_The desire became overwhelming as he unsnapped her bra and slid it off of her. He released her lips, leaving them panting as he lowered his head and twirled his tongue around her nipple, making it hard. If they had more time, he would have taken the time to completely explore her body, but he knew she had to leave for work soon, so he pulled her long legs around his hips and nudged her entrance._

_They exchanged a knowing look as they decided not to use protection. He knew that she stored condoms in her nightstand, but he also knew that she was on birth control and that they were both clean. When he was with Milah, he and Emma shared intimate details of their encounters. And Emma hadn't been with alot of men, but when she did have a one-night stand, she always had protected sex. But, neither of them felt it necessary with each other._

_Killian thrusted into her very slowly, stretching her delicious walls until he was fully seated, claiming every inch of her. She gasped from the size of him as he rocked into her and he paused, not wanting to hurt her._

_"I'm fine. Keep going," she encouraged._

_He complied and started moving again as their lips lingered over one another, both of them panting heavily. Their rhythm was slow and staggered but the feeling of her around him was the most amazing thing he had ever experienced. If someone would have told him yesterday that he'd be having sex with his best friend, he wouldn't have believed them. He still couldn't believe it even though it was actually happening._

_"We're having sex," he murmured with a playful smirk, his voice shattered._

_"I know," she laughed lightly and he knew she was finding it hard to believe, herself._

_They soon found a less awkward and more pleasant rhythm as she clutched her fingernails into his back, pulling him in deeper. She let a moan escape and he lightly chuckled._

_Then they heard Ruby calling out from the other side of the door, interrupting them from their haze of passion._

_"Emma, hurry up. We have to be at the hospital in ten minutes!"_

_"Okay!" Emma managed, her voice completely wrecked. Then she spoke more quietly for only Killian to hear. "You have forty-five seconds to pull your shit together."_

_"I'm way ahead of you, love."_

_"Fine," she smirked as they exchanged challenging stares._

_"Fine."_

_He smashed his lips into hers and started thrusting his hips more erratically, chasing his orgasm that was starting to build. Their breathing quickened and Emma's moans became louder. Killian growled as her walls started clenching tightly around him. They both clasped a hand over the other's mouth to muffle the string of moans and groans with each thrust as they rode out their orgasm together. Their movements soon stilled and he spilled his seed inside his best friend as she whimpered in pleasure._

_Both of them were breathing heavily, their bodies rising and falling against one another as they removed their hands from the others' lips._

_He rested his forehead on hers and after a moment of trying to gather the strength to speak again, he managed two words._

_"That was..."_

_He nuzzled her nose, his lips still lingering above hers as she finished his sentence._

_"... a one time thing."_


	5. Walls Up At All Times

Emma came into work, the hospital walls covered in Christmas decorations and drawings done by the children. The last few days, she had helped decorate for the party and the large Christmas tree with presents that were donated for the kids. Some of the gifts, Emma had gotten with Killian a few weeks ago. Every year they would make donations to the homeless shelter and buy toys for the kids at the adoption agency and the hospital. It was something they always did together. 

"So, is Killian coming to the Christams party tonight? Or are you still not talking to him?" Ruby asked Emma as they walked down the halls with Elsa after they had changed into their scrubs.

"No, I told you. We're taking a break until we hook up with other people."

"Emma, why do you always do this? Killian is like the perfect guy with the biggest heart and you keep shutting him out," Elsa told her.

Emma's features fell at that.

"I know, I just... after he left, I just felt too ashamed to face him. Besides, he's much better off with someone whose not going to hurt him."

"Yeah, remember the last time you pushed him toward another woman? He ended up with a broken heart," Ruby reminded her.

"Of course she does. She's the one who picked up the pieces," Elsa added.

"Okay, guys, no need to gang up on me. Besides, Milah made him happy."

"Emma, you need to wake up and smell the freaking roses. _You_ make him happy. Don't you get it?" Elsa asked her.

"I make him happy as a friend, okay? We're better off as friends. I'm not good at relationship stuff, you know that. I'd just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of his old t-shirts."

"Emma, we're talking about Killian. Your best friend who would die for you a million times over before he would ever hurt you."

"Yeah, and that's the problem. I don't deserve him. And I would just push him away and then I would lose him for good."

Elsa sighed. "Emma, have you ever thought that maybe your insecurities are what's holding you back? And maybe if you stopped letting your fears control you, you could be the person that Killian deserves?" 

Emma was silent after that as she considered what her friends were saying. 

"I know, but this is who I am. Even if I knew how to change, I don't know that I can."

"Why don't you start by just wanting to?" Elsa asked her and they left it at that as they split up to start their rounds.

 *****

**_Six months ago..._ **

_"So, um we probably shouldn't tell anyone about this. It's just better that way," Emma said as she stood in front of him, putting on her bra and panties as he pulled on his boxers and pants. He gave her an appreciative look that made her blush as a small smirk curved her lips from the orgasm she had just experienced with her best friend. It was something she would never forget. She always knew that he had a nice body, but being able to experience it pressed against hers with mind-blowing pleasure coursing through her body was something that she would always keep cataloged in her memory._

_"As you wish, love."_

_She retrieved his shirt and cell phone and handed them to him._

_"Thank you," he said as he set his phone on the bed and put on his shirt._

_"Here, let me help you." She stepped closer to him and started to button his shirt up._

_Just touching him created sparks throughout her body and she had to keep reminding herself that he was her best friend and not a guy she just had sex with. She adjusted his collar and threaded her fingers through his disheveled hair to tame it and made the mistake of looking into his eyes. Those familiar ocean-deep eyes that were now looking at her in a different way. Those eyes that had seen parts of her that they had never seen before. It was like their friendship was somehow more special now that they had experienced the one thing they had never done together. She snapped out of her gaze and started to turn around before he put his hand on her arm to stop her._

_"You look too obvious, love," he said with a smirk as he reached a hand to run his fingers through her locks to straighten them._

_"Better? Can you still tell I just had an explosive orgasm?"_

_Killian gave her a quirky grin as he grazed his thumb over her cheek. "Considering your cheeks are still quite pink, I would say yes. But I think you look more lovely like this."_

_His compliments didn't help with the color of her face as she smiled at him. "We should probably go now."_

_Before they turned to leave, she didn't know how to say goodbye; whether she should hug him or kiss him. Apparently he had the same struggle because she went for a hug and he went for a kiss and then they alternated, so they both decided on a kiss on the cheek. Turns out, that was a bad idea, because when her lips touched his warm skin and his touched hers, her whole body ignited like it did when he touched her thigh for the first time._

_"Emma, time to go!" she heard Elsa call from outside the door._

_She finally broke apart from Killian and turned to leave as he followed her out. Her body was still buzzing long afterwards._

*****

After Emma was done with her shift, she went into the locker room to shower and change into her dark purple, strapless dress she had brought with her for the party. When she had put it on, she frowned as she looked into the mirror when she realized that Killian wouldn't be there to see her in it. She bought the dress because he had always said that purple was his favorite color on her. In fact a lot of the items, including most of her lingerie, were purple for that very same reason.

"Emma, you coming?" Ruby asked her from the locker room doorway, pulling her out of her thoughts. 

She turned around and grabbed her clutch, walking with Ruby to the party downstairs. They met Liam and Elsa, sitting at one of the tables. Emma had decided to work extra hours and be with her patients rather than go home just to sit around feeling bad about how she hurt Killian. It didn't really work though. All of her patients knew Killian because he came to visit with them once and a while. 

Emma sat next Liam because he was the closest thing to Killian there was other than her. 

"Hey, how's Killian doing?" she asked him nonchalantly.

"Emma, if you want to know how he is then why don't you call him and ask him yourself, lass."

"I know. I just feel too ashamed."

"Why did you do it then? You know you hurt him."

"I know. Things were just getting too intense."

"And you were scared. I get that, Emma. I've known you for a long time. Being in a relationship is hard, but believe me, when you've found the right person, it's all worth it," Liam assured her as he smiled at Elsa and took her hand. He then turned back to Emma. "Just do me a favor, lass..."

"What's that?"

"If you're going to be with him, be with him. And this may sound a bit harsh, but I care for my brother and don't like to see him hurt... Killian is not some toy you can use whenever you feel in the mood to play with, so please don't treat him as such."

"Liam, I don't see him like that. I love Killian," she said defensively.

"I know you do, Emma. That's why you need to choose. You need to either be his friend or his lover. There is no in-between; not with Killian."

Emma nodded silently, staring down at the table as Liam and Elsa stood up. Elsa put a soothing hand on her shoulder. 

"He only means well, Emma."

"I know," she said with a weak smile.

She watched as Liam and Elsa went to the dance floor. They looked so happy as they danced. Liam twirled her around and they were both smiling and she wanted that. She wanted to be happy and the only person who could do that was Killian. That's when she realized that she didn't care about anything else at this point. She just needed to see him.

Emma stood up, grabbing her clutch as she headed for the door and reached for her phone to call a cab. She had came there in Ruby's car and she knew that Ruby wasn't going to leave the party or let Emma leave for that matter.

"Emma, where are you going?" Ruby asked her as she approached.

"I'm uh... just stepping out for some fresh air," she lied.

Ruby took the phone, putting it back in her purse and grabbed her hand, pulling her towards the dance floor. "You are not ditching me, Emma. Come on. Let's dance."

"Fine, one dance," Emma sighed as she put her purse on the table. They joined Liam and Elsa, dancing to an up-beat song.

As the song ended, she became extremely anxious. She had to see Killian.

Emma snuck away as Ruby started dancing with Dr. Whale and she went to the table, grabbing her clutch. She took out her phone and looked online for taxi numbers. Before she hit the call button, she received a picture message.

When she opened it, her mouth dropped at what she saw. It was a picture from Killian and he was with two women. They had their hands all over him.

Emma started to panic, tears starting to form in her eyes. This was all her fault. She told him to hook up with other people. Why did she have to ruin the one amazing thing in her life?

Still, she didn't think he would throw it in her face by sending her a photo of not only one, but two women. She threw the phone back into her purse as she felt jealousy boil inside of her. 

"Emma, you okay?"

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Neal's voice and she wiped her tears as she pushed her feelings down. She turned around and before she even knew what she was doing, she put her arms around the back of his neck and smashed her lips into Neal's, taking him off guard. She thought maybe it would at least take away the pain and everything else inside of her that hurt. But it wasn't enough, so she thought something else might quell the ache. She broke the kiss and whispered in his ear, "Want to get out of here?"

Neal was still in shock, but didn't hesitate to answer. "Yeah. Let me get my jacket."

As he walked away, still in bewilderment, her phone started ringing. She quickly answered it without seeing who it was.

"Killian, don't fuck one of those girls. Please, I was wrong-"

"What? Emma?"

"Lilly?"

"Where are you? What are you doing?"

"I'm at the Christmas party at the hospital."

"You're still coming tomorrow to help me pick out a wedding dress, right? And no excuses this time."

"Yeah, I'll be there. I promise." She had almost forgot that they had moved it to that weekend since she had told Lily she was too sick to come last time. The truth was, she wasn't in the mood after she had kicked Killian out of her apartment. She had felt completely miserable after that and wanted to call him several times, but just couldn't conjur the courage after what she did to him.

"Good. We're going to lunch afterward with Lance."

"Who's Lance?"

"Oh... he's Mom's boyfriend. I actually wasn't supposed to tell you."

"Why didn't she tell me?"

"Because, Emma. You're always so good at being alone. Mom and I aren't like that."

"I'm not alone," Emma said defensively.

"I'm talking about being in an actually relationship. Most people need that."

As Lily continued to talk to her, she looked up and saw Neal walking towards her with his jacket.

What the hell was she doing? She didn't want to be alone anymore and she surely didn't want to be with Neal. She only wanted to be with Killian... _her_ Killian. 

"Lily, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow." 

She hung up the phone and before Neal saw her, she darted out the doors into the cold, night air, not even bothering with a jacket.

"Taxi!"

She hailed down a cab and ran as fast as her high heels would take her. She got in and gave the driver Killian's address.

_*****_

_All day at work, she couldn't stop thinking about her best friend. She couldn't stop thinking about his toned body in between her legs and his soft lips on hers. The smell of his skin and the feeling of his prickly stubble against her lips as she tasted him. The way his blue eyes pierced into her soul in a new, exciting way that made her melt on the spot. The feeling of him inside of her as he took her into oblivion._

_Her body quivered as she thought of her best friend in the naughtiest way possible. And she was at work... at a Children's hospital, for crying out loud. Why couldn't she get him out of her head?_

_If that wasn't enough, he came in when she was on her lunch break in the cafeteria. Her heart actually fluttered in her chest when she saw him._

_"Hey, what are you doing here?" She asked him as he came to sit with her._

_"I came to visit the kids."_

_"Oh really?" she asked doubtfully._

_A slow smirk crept over his lips._

_"Well then you should wipe that look of your face," she said with a playful smile._

_"What look?"_

_"That look that says that you just had amazing sex."_

_He leaned closer to whisper in her ear. "Well, love, I'm afraid you have that look too."_

_She blushed as he stood up and walked away._

_Damn him. She thought that they could have a one-time thing and that would be it, but for some reason her body was craving him like a drug. One hit was all it took and she wanted more. So much more. And that feeling wasn't going away until she satisfied her craving. When she got out of work, she decided to give in to her body's needs and before she knew what she was doing, she was texting him._

**_E: Your place in thirty minutes?_ **

*****

Emma ran up Killian's doorstep and turned the knob, but it was locked so she knocked loudly on the door, hoping she wasn't too late. She left in such a panic that she forget that her keys were in her jacket at the hospital.

"Killian! Killian Brenan Jones! Open this door!" 

It was quickly opened and Killian had an apologetic look on his face as he stepped out. "Emma, it's not what it looks like. Robin brought them over here and sent that picture. I tried to get them to leave but-"

"Killian, I don't care. I'm so sorry. I should have never-"

Before she could finish, the door opened wider and the two girls from the picture came to stand next to Killian.

"What is she doing here? We don't need her, make her leave," Lisa said, pointing her finger at Emma.

Emma gave them a taunting smile as her blood started to boil inside of her. "No, I think you two need to leave." She shoved past them to the door and grabbed Killian's arm. "This man is already taken." She pulled him and slammed the door in the girls' faces, locking it behind them.

"Hey what about our purses!" they shouted through the door. "We left them inside!" 

Emma practically ran over to the couch to get the damn things and opened the door, throwing them clear into the front yard.

"What the hell?! You are so mean!"  They both yelled and ran after their purses as Emma went back inside, slamming the door shut. 

"Love, they're drunk. Should we just leave them out there?"

"They'll be fine. I paid the cab driver to take them home." 

With that, she approached Killian and wrapped her fingers around the collar of his button-up shirt, pressing her forehead to his.

"I should have never pushed you away. I just felt so ashamed, I couldn't face you. Can you forgive this idiot?"

Killian flashed her a weak smile as he cupped her face with one hand and moved a stray stand of hair behind her ear. His eyes were dark with need as he answered. 

"You aren't an idiot, love. And I forgave you the moment I saw you on my doorstep."

She smiled and pulled his mouth to hers as a tear escaped her eye. She was so afraid that she had lost him and now that he was there in front of her, she never wanted to let him go.

Killan's thumb moved to wipe her tear as their lips moved softly against one another.

"I missed you so much," she breathed, the words getting caught in her throat.

"God, I missed you love. And I don't care if you were with anyone else. I'm just glad you're with me now."

Emma quickly shook her head. "I wasn't. I don't want anyone else. I only want you."

Killian smiled in relief. "That's good to hear... because I only want you too."

Her lips met his again and the need for him became urgent as she deepened the kiss, finding his tongue. She felt fire burning inside of her as her hands went to his buttons, quickly undoing them, exposing his chest. Her fingers sifted through his hair and god... how she missed him... every part of him.

His hands moved to the back of her dress, pulling down the zipper. as she saw desire in his dark, hooded eyes.

She put her hands on his shoulders, sliding off his shirt as he pulled her dress down, exposing her purple strapless bra and panties.

A slow smirk crept over Killian's face as his eyes spanned her figure like he was seeing it for the first time.

"Have I ever told you how much I loved you in purple?"

Emma flashed him a playful smile. "Why do you think I always wear it?"

Killian growled as he backed her against the nearest wall and smashed his lips into hers. He curled his tongue around hers as the passion started to build. She pulled him in deeper, not being able to get enough of him.

Once they shed the rest of their clothes off, their hands were all over one another; pulling and kneading and caressing and stroking every delectable part of each other.

She sucked in a breath when his lips and teeth replaced his touches, starting with her neck; nipping and kissing and sucking as he worked his way down. When he reached her nub, he parted her legs and ran the flat of his tongue along her clit. His tongue was so soft and warm, she almost didn't want him to stop, but she needed him... needed to feel him inside of her.

"Killian, I need you inside of me. Please."

He growled as he gave her one last lick before he came back to her. He wrapped his arms around her and grabbed her butt, lifting her feet off of the ground. She waisted no time hugging his hips with her legs while her fingers wound in his hair and she found his lips again, kissing him passionately. She felt his chest hair against her stiffened nipples as he pinned her to the wall. He nudged her entrance and plunged into her with desperate need.

She gasped as he filled her up completely and her hips moved to greet his as he took her slowly and passionately. She nipped and sucked at his neck as he buried his face into the crook of hers, groaning against her skin. They moved quicker as pleasure started to build. He lifted his face to kiss her swollen lips as they moaned with each thrust until they were screaming eachother's names. Her walls fluttered as his seed spilled inside of her, both of them panting. They were boneless and sated, but they somehow managed to make it to the bed. 

"Don't ever leave me again, Killian," she breathed as they laid on their sides, facing each other.

"You told me to, love. I thought that was what you wanted," he murmured as he grabbed her hip, pulling her closer to him.

"You shouldn't listen to me."

"Fine, I won't," he said with a smirk.

She bit his bottom lip with her teeth, tugging on it playfully.

"Can I ask you something, love?" he asked when she released him.

"You can ask me anything."

"You said you were too ashamed to face me. What changed your mind? Was it the picture?"

"No, actually I was about to leave before I got it because I just missed you too much and I wished you were there. Then, when I saw the picture, I was so upset that I almost didn't come."

"Is that so?" he asked, quirking a brow.

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"Because now I have more reason for kicking Robin's arse for bringing those girls over and sending that bloody picture."

Emma laughed. "I'll help."

"Okay, love." He smiled and carressed her cheek with his thumb as he looked deeply into her eyes.

She nuzzled his nose with hers and found his mouth again, savoring the taste of him as she bit and sucked on his lip.

They made love again before they fell into a peaceful slumber in each others' arms.

_*****_

_"Wow, Emma, I didn't know you were so flexible," Killian said breathlessly as he pulled the covers over their naked bodies and laid his head into the pillow next to her._

_Emma laughed lazily. "And I never knew you were so good in bed. We should have done this years ago."_

_"Agreed, love. Agreed." He turned on his side to face her and she did the same. "So... what now?"_

_She smiled at the question because it was a damn good one. What the hell did they do now? Normally with the guys she slept with, she'd either be rushing out their door or kicking them out of her bed, but this was Killian, her best friend. The guy she never had to lie to, and even if she did, he could always see right through her._

_She searched his eyes as she complemplated their next move. She wanted him, there was no more denying it. Even if she didn't want a relationship or everything else that came along with dating, her body had other ideas in mind._

_"Do you wanna do this?"_

_He looked at her like she was crazy because of course he wanted to._

_"I mean, use eachother for sex?"_

_Killian looked at her hard, trying to figure out if she was actually serious or not. "Is that what you want, love?"_

_"What I want is someone who is going to be in my bed at two in the morning, who I don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with. I mean, with you, I don't have to make up some lame excuse because I don't want to stay in bed and cuddle."_

_"But you cuddle with me all the time," he reminded her._

_"Yeah, but that's different. It's you. And besides, we always cuddle with our clothes on."_

_"And now?"_

_"Well, now, if we were to do this, then yes, I would cuddle with you naked._

_"So, you're saying if I have sex with you, I'd get to cuddle with you naked instead with our clothes on?" he asked with a wicked smirk._

_She laughed. "Yes. But, only if you're okay with just staying friends. The last thing I would want to do is hurt you."_

_He lifted a hand to stroke her hair as he grew serious. "Love, the only way you'd hurt me is if you left me."_

_"You know I'd never leave you, Killian. I've told you before, I'm yours always and forever."_


	6. Never Make Promises

Killian was busy at work the next day with paperwork, while trying hard not to think about Emma. He was trying not to get too excited for the things he could potentially have with her. The make-up sex was out of this world and there were heartfelt words exchanged, but still, he didn't want to get his hopes up. He was going to follow Belle's advice and take things slow, which was rather contradicting to their situation, considering they were having sex. Therefore, he was taking it off the table. 

The physical part they already had down and was not an issue, but lately, they had lost that mental connection they used to have. They used to stay up all night on the bed, just talking about school and other nonsense, and she would be inbetween his legs, her back against his chest as he held her. Or they would sit next to each other in comfortable silence while they were both involved in different things like schoolwork or reading. He very much wanted that back. And the only way to do that was to take the physical element out of the relationship, for now at least. He wasn't sure how he would present this to her yet, but he couldn't really think about that now.

It had been a really stressful day at work and his mission was to find a home for two orphans, Adam and Ava. They were brother and sister who he had gotten off the street four years ago and put clothes on their backs and food in their bellies. He didn't claim to have favorites, but the other children came and gone as they found a home with other families, but Adam and Ava have been there the longest and Killian knew it was because couples looking to adopt usually only wanted one child, not siblings. And there was no way he would break these two up. He would die before he let that happen. Lord knows how he would have gotten through the orphanage if he didn't have his brother there with him.

He promised them that he would find them a home before Adam reached his tenth birthday, which was approaching in six months. He knew he shouldn't have made him that promise for fear of getting their hopes up just to be dissapointed but he couldn't let them stay any longer. He vividly remembered when he was a young boy, himself, that after being in Neverland for so long, he started to lose hope. He thought he would never be able to leave that place. Granted, the agency that he had built was a much better place than the orphanage. The children had much more freedom and weren't kept like prisoners.

The counselors would take them out to the park everyday and other fun places, allowing them be children. They were also sent off to school every morning and were encouraged to read and draw and be involved in other creative or educational activities. And of course, if they needed to talk about any emotional struggles, the counselors listened and treated them with respect and kindness as they offered advice and encouragement. The agency was meant to be a home, not a prison and Killian made sure of that everyday.

"Knock knock." The sound of Emma's voice brought him out of his work and he looked up to greet her.

"Morning, love." He stood up and walked around his desk to stand in front of her, placing a chaste kiss to her cheek. "What are you doing here? I thought you were working."

"I was, but remember I'm meeting my sister and mom today to help Lily find a wedding dress."

"Right. Sorry, love. I've been a bit preoccupied today."

"I know. It's okay." Emma cupped his face, soothing the worry lines from the corner of his eyes and kissed his lips. He instantly felt the stress being lifted from his shoulders as their mouths parted softly against one another.

"Ewe, that's icky!"

Emma laughed as she broke the kiss and turned around to see Adam standing behind her with a look of disgust.

"Sorry, Adam. Didn't mean to gross you out."

"Are you two boyfriend and girlfriend now?" he asked as Emma took his small hand.

"Um-" they both replied, scratching their heads. Before Killian or Emma could answer, they heard the loud clatter of footsteps approaching them as the three of them walked into the hall.

"Emma!"

A girl with golden blonde pigtails rushed towards them as Emma kneeled down and held out her hands to catch the young lass. Ava jumped into her arms and Emma picked her up, holding her on her hips.

"Where have you been? I missed you," Ava said as she wrapped her arms around Emma and laid her head on her shoulder.

"I missed you too. I've just been... um. Well, I've been working a lot. I'm sorry. You know I love to come and see you. Both of you," Emma said as she patted Adam's head and looked down at him.

Killian always smiled at the sight. She had always said that he was the one with the heart, but deep down, Emma had the biggest one of all. And Adam and Ava were very near and dear to her heart. In fact, she had talked about adopting them, herself, on many occasions but because she worked so much, she feared that she wouldn't be able to give them the time and attention they needed. Heck, Killian even mused the idea of him and Emma adopting the children together, and getting a place of their own so they could all be a family, but the idea had seemed pretty far-fetched before.

"So, after we pick out a dress for Lilly, we're having lunch with my mom's new boyfriend," Emma said to Killian unenthusiastically.

Killian arched a brow. "Oh, I didn't know she had a boyfriend."

"I didn't either, until last night. Apparently mom was hesitant to tell me."

"Well that's understandable, love. You looked up to David and she was probably afraid you wouldn't take it very well seeing her with another man."

"No, I think she thought I wouldn't approve because apparently I'm so good at being alone that I expect everyone else to be the same," Emma said in a mocking tone.

"Emma, you are anything but alone. You have me." Killian reached his hand to her cheek, caressing it with his thumb.

"Yeah and you have us too. We won't let you be alone, Emma," Ava said as she lifted her head and smiled.

Emma smiled back at her. "You two will never be alone either, okay. Killian and I will make sure if that. I know I can't always be here but I'll always be in your heart," she said as she pointed at her chest where her heart was. Then, she put Ava down and picked Adam up, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "And yours too."

"It's okay, Emma. You take care of sick children who need you," Adam reminded her.

"I see the kids found you, Emma."

They turned around at Belle's voice as she approached them.

"Hi Belle, how are you?" Emma greeted her as she set Adam down. Bell gave her a warm hug as she replied.

"I'm fine. It's been a bit hectic around here, but we've been managing. And I have to say I'm really glad you two worked things out, because he's been a grump all week," Belle laughed.

"Yeah, me too." Emma smiled at him and grabbed his hand. Killian's heart fluttered as he entwined his fingers into hers.

"I'm sorry if I made him a pain to work with. I take full responsibility," Emma told her.

"It's okay. Just glad to see you two happy again."

"Thanks Belle. Well, I should get going. I have to meet my sister and mother."

"Oh yeah, that's right. Killian told me Lilly was getting married. Give her my congrats for me, will you?"

"Okay, I will."

"Bye, Emma. Come back soon," Ava said as Emma kneeled down to hug her and her brother.

"I will. I promise. We'll go out for ice cream next time."

"Okay."

Emma stood up and Killian walked her to the door.

"Bye, Killian." Emma put her hands on his chest as she kissed him sweetly on the cheek.

"Goodbye, love." He reached his hand to move a stray strand behind her shoulder as Emma smiled at him. She waved at the kids and turned around, walking out the door.

When Killian turned around, Belle was trying to hide a smile.

"Public display of affection now. It's like you're a real couple," she teased.

Killian scratched behind his ear as a smirk plagued his lips, feeling blush creep into his cheeks. "It appears so, lass."

*****

_"So, I'm thinking, we should establish some ground rules," Emma said as she straddled Killian's lap on his sofa. He had picked her up from work that night and they both decided that his place was better for what they had planned, seeing as Ruby and Elsa were home and Robin didn't close the bar until two._

_"What kind of rules, love?" Killian put his hands on her hips as he pressed her to him, his lips lingering over hers._

_"Okay, the first one is no fighting..."_

_"We don't fight, Emma."_

_"I know but, we've also never had sex before three days ago," she laughed as she grabbed the collar of his shirt and captured his lips, softly parting them against his._

_"Okay, what else?" He asked between kisses._

_"How about no staring deeply into eachothers' eyes?" She asked as her fingers started to unbutton his shirt._

_"I hate your eyes, anyway," he teased as he looked at her lips. "They're too green and mesmerizing."_

_Emma gave him a smirk as she continued. "No snuggling with our clothes on... no public displays of affection... no kissing each other unless we're having sex..." she said, leaving lustful kisses along his jaw._

_"I would hate that anyway," he joked as he tilted his head back._

_"And no jealousy." As she said that, she was rolling her hips, dragging her center against his hardening shaft. "Agreed?"_

_"Aye." He knew he shouldn't be making any commitments while she was in his lap kissing him, but she was working her magic against him, and at this point his brain had lost all control._

_Emma trailed kisses up his neck as he helped her remove his shirt, tossing it to the floor. She lifted her arms up, allowing him to pull hers off and he threw it into the pile. He wrapped his around to unclasped her purple, lacey bra, allowing her gorgeous breasts to come out and play as he tossed the material aside._

_"Good," she breathed. "This is going to be fun." She stood and removed her jeans, along with her panties as he unzipped his pants, pulling them down with his boxers. With all of their clothes off, she climbed atop of him, immediately sinking into him. He groaned as she rubbed back and forth, feeling her arousal on his fully hard irrection. He grabbed her hips and bucked himself up to greet her, causing them both to moan at the contact._

_His brain vaguely remembered what they were talking about, but was finally able to recall the last thing she said._

_"Indeed, love," he managed, his voice completely wrecked. Although, he wasn't thinking about the consequences of the said fun when his face was buried in Emma's beatitiful, naked breasts and her dripping core was still rubbing against him as he pulled her to him by her hips._

_He kissed the valley between her peaks, his stubble scraping her soft skin, as he followed them with soothing licks. She was moaning from above him as her fingers wound themselves in his hair. His lips moved to her stiff nipples, sucking and pulling on them with his teeth as he cupped the soft weight in his hands. She thrusted harder, begging for him to fill her, but he thought he would tease her more as his hands moved to her bottom, fingers kneading into her flesh as his tongue twirled around her other nipple. She was panting as she soon took her breasts away and his lips formed a pout. She continued rolling her hips into him as she leaned in to whisper in his ear._

_"Fuck me Killian."_

_Of all the times that he's heard his best friend curse, which wasn't often, her words never sounded so dirty and unbelievably hot as that one little word did right then. He let out a low growl as he promptly lifted her hips and she reached for his throbbing member, connecting him to her aching center. She clutched onto his shoulders and lowered herself slowly on him, letting herself adjust to his size. As soon as he was fully seated, they moved quickly, letting the pleasure control their thrusts. He grunted loudly as she moaned, adding to the sounds of the smack of their skins as he took her without mercy._

_"Oh god... just like that... don't stop," she pleaded breathlessly, urging him on._

_She captured his lips, swallowing his groans, their tongues moving to taste one another in the most delicious way. He felt a wave of heat take over his body as his orgasm started to build. If it was possible, he pulled her with more force, allowing him to go deeper as she spread her legs wider. He released her lips and cupped her jaw, bringing her ear to his lips._

_"You like when your best friend fucks you, don't you?" he asked in a shattered voice, half groaning as he did._

_His words riled her up even more as she let out long, drawn out cries of pleasure, moving her hips irratically. "Yes... oh yes!"_

_That was all it took for both of them to find complete bliss. Her walls came tumbling over him as she screamed his name, taking him over the edge with her, and his movements ceased as he spilled his seed deep inside of her._

_They were both trying to catch their breaths as she rested her forehead on his. Both of them sweating and sated, she kissed his lips before laying her head in the crook of his neck as he wrapped his arms around her._

*****

"How was it, love?" Killian asked Emma after he got out of work and met her at his place. They went into his bedroom and Killian sat on the edge of as he pulled her into his lap, putting his arms around her.

"It was fine. We found this beautiful white, beaded dress for Lily and of course our mom was in tears the whole time," Emma said with enthusiasm in her voice, putting a smile on Killian's face. He was glad that she was excited for her sister's wedding. "Then we went to Granny's for lunch with Lance, who actually seems really nice."

"That's good. I'm glad, love. Your mother deserves to happy."

"Yeah, I really think she is."

Killian kissed her lips, becoming nervous about what he wanted to say. He chewed on his bottom one as he looked into her eyes. She was smiling and looked so happy, he became hesitant, not wanting to take that away from her. At the same time, it needed to be said. If their relationship was going to grow, they had to start from the bottom.

Emma could see the struggle in his eyes as she reached a hand to his cheek, caressing his skin. "Killian? What is it?"

"Love, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Uh oh. This can't be good. You're not breaking up with me already, are you?" she asked in a playful manner.

"No, of course not."

He became more nervous by the second as he looked into her eyes. He had played this conversation over and over in his head, but when it came time to try and say it out loud, he didn't know where to begin.

Her expression fell when he continued to be silent after a moment.

"Okay, then what is it? You can tell me anything, Killian."

He attempted a small smile to easy her worries, but it didn't work. She just kept staring at him with a worried look in her big, green eyes. He wanted to reconsider the whole thing and just kiss her senselessly, but he knew it really wouldn't solve anything. He didn't want to go backwards, but how could they move forward like this? It just wouldn't work. He would always want more and she would always shut him out. This had to be done.

"Killian?" she called his name again, pulling him from his thoughts.

He still couldn't find the courage. He was stuck, the words of what he wanted to say were lost and he couldn't bare to see the distraught look on her face, especially after she was so happy just moments ago. So instead, he surged forward, capturing her lips. He lifted her up, turning them around and he fell into the bed with her in his arms. Their tongues mingled as they both moaned into the kiss. He broke away to pull her shirt over her head and from her arms, tossing it to the floor. As he did, he saw the confusion mixed with desire in her eyes. And there was also love. It was pure, unadulterated love, there was no mistake.

As he looked over her, both of them breathless, he managed to rise above the haze of passion and he reminded himself of that picture. That beautiful, wonderful image of their family. The family that they could have together. He focused on that and that's when the words came to the tip of his tongue. He sat up, kneeling on the bed as he held out his hand.

"Come here, love,"

She looked at him, still confused, but took his hand, allowing him to pull her to him. He wrapped an arm around her as he removed a stray lock behind her ear. He smiled with that image in the front of his mind as he looked into her eyes. She returned an encouraging one, and that was all it took for the last of his nerves to dissipate.

"Emma, I want this... I mean, I want us to be together."

"I do too."

"I know, but I want us to just be together again like we used to be."

Emma's smile quickly faded. "But, I don't want to go back to being just friends. I want this. I want a relationship with you."

Killian looked hard into her eyes before his lips grew into a wide, toothy grin. He never heard a better sentence in his life than the one that fell from her mouth.

"I want that too, love. That's what I'm trying to tell you."

Emma looked at him in utter confusion.

"I can see that I'm only confusing you more, so I'm just going to say it. I think we should stop having sex for a while. I want your mind, your soul again. The last six months have been incredible, but I think we've lost the connection that we used to have. I want that back."

Killian paused, waiting in anticipation for a reaction and of all the scenarios he envisioned in his head of how this would end, the one that actually happened was even better than what he had hoped for.

A slow smile curved Emma's lips as she replied. "I'm so glad you said that."

"You are?" He was completely dumbstruck at her reaction, but his lips managed to pull into a smile.

She nodded, light laughter falling from her lips. "Yes. I've missed us. I've missed just being with you."

He let out a sigh of utter relief, all of the weight on his shoulders vanishing as he gently pressed his forehead to hers, caressing her cheek with his thumb.

"I'm so glad to hear you say that, love."

Her lips quickly turned into a smirk as she curled a hand around the back of his neck, her fingers toying with the hair at his nape. 

"You think you can handle not having sex with me for a while?" she asked him in a teasing tone. "We both know, you can't resist me."

He shot her a playful grin as he replied. "This is very true. But I think you're the one who wouldn't be able to handle it. I am devishly handsome and how did you say it? I have a really nice penis."

They both laughed.

"Well, as long as you don't shake it in my face, I think I can manage."

"And as long as you don't flaunt these..." Killian started to say as he cupped her bra-covered breasts in his hands, squeezing them gently before he continued, "... or your other lovely feminine parts at me, I will do my best to resist you. Deal?"

She kissed his lips sweetly before she replied. "You've got yourself a deal."

*****

_"So, you're sure that you can handle this? I mean without falling in love with me?" she asked after they got dressed._

_He swallowed thickly at her question, guilt building up in the pit of his stomach. He didn't want to lie to her but he couldn't tell her the truth for fear of losing her. Then again, what would happen if she found out anyway that he had been completely in love with her this whole time? She would probably hate him forever, thinking he was taking advantage of the situation and he couldn't bare the risk of her thinking that. His best bet was to call this whole thing off now, lay it to rest before either of them got hurt._

_"Killian?" She looked at him, seeing his struggle._

_He knew he had to give her an answer and he knew the answer he should give her, but she was looking at him with that challenging stare as if she was daring him to make her fall in love with him. He had always thought that maybe there was a possibility that she felt as he did or that she knew of his feelings for her but now he knew that it was just wishful thinking all along. But then again, maybe she was just leading him to believe that. Nonetheless, things were different now. They had started a physically intimate relationship, in which was obviously more than a one-time thing and Killian had never known Emma to sleep with one guy more than once. And he had to begin to wonder if it was more than just physical attraction for her. He began to wonder if maybe he could open her heart up to more possibilities. She had never been in a real relationship, but maybe he could change that. Maybe this was just the beginning._

_"You still with me, Killian?" She asked with a look of concern._

_He managed a smug grin as he stepped closer to her with a challenging stare that had matched her own and finally gave her a reply, officially marking the beginning of their not-so-platonic friendship._

_"Perhaps you're the one who couldn't handle it," he replied, pronouncing the t with a swift flick of his tongue as he stepped forward. He pulled her to him by her hips, smashing his lips into hers and their mouths opened for eachother, both of them swallowing the other's moan. Their tongues tangled, igniting the fire inside of him as they fought for dominance. He tilted his head, deepening the kiss as he wound his fingers in her golden locks and she rested her hands on his chest. He broke away, leaving them panting and went past her, opening the door for her, still holding a grin on his face as she turned around to walk out._

_"You're on, Jones," she smirked, her voice completely wrecked as they walked to his car._

*****

Their plan stayed in tact as Christmas Eve approached, although it had only been a couple of days, but he was hopeful more than ever. They went to Emma's mother's house for dinner with overnight bags on their shoulders. Emma also carried a plate of assorted Christmas cookies and Killian brought wine as they went through the door.

Mary Margaret came to greet with a hug as she relieved them from the items in their hands.

"Merry Christmas, mom," Killian said as he placed a chaste kiss to her cheek. He took their bags and set them by the door. After spending a lot of time at the Nolan household, Mary Margaret encouraged him to call her mom and he was more than happy to, considering that she was the closest he had to one since his birth mother had passed when he was a kid.

"Merry Christmas," Mary Margaret smiled as Lily and August and another man that Killian assumed was Mary Margarete's boyfriend, approached them.

"August, I believe congratulations are in order," Killian said, shaking his hand as Lily hugged Emma.

"Thanks, Killian."

August hugged Emma as Mary Margaret gestured between Lance and Killian.

"Killian, this is Lance. Lance, this is the son I never had and Emma's best friend, Killian."

"Uh, actually it's boyfriend now," Emma quickly corrected.

Lily, August, Mary Margaret and even Killian froze, jaws dropping in shock. Before that point, no one else knew besides a few of their friends and Killian was surprised that she told her family.

"Oh, well um... when did this happen?" Emma's mother asked as a wide smile took over her face.

"A few days ago," Emma replied. "I decided to give the whole relationship thing a try," she said simply as she took Killian's hand, not wanting to explain how they were sex friends first. She had never even told Lily about that.

"Well, I'm so happy for you two," Mary Margaret said, beaming.

"Nice to meet you, Killian," Lance said, shaking his hand.

"You too. I've heard good things and I hope you'll be taking good care of this lass."

"No need to worry. She's in good hands," Lance replied as he put an arm around her and placed a kiss to her temple.

"Well, dinner's just about ready. Why don't we head to the dining room. August and Killian, help me with the food?"

"Of course, mom," Killian replied with a smile before he kissed Emma's forehead.

"So, why didn't you two tell me about this?" Lily asked when Mary Margarete went into the kitchen.

"I just did. Besides, you didn't tell me about mom and her boyfriend, only by accident."

"I know. I should have. I'm sorry," Lily apologized as the two of them walked to the dinning room.

August and Killian helped bring out the turkey and the other dishes of food that Mary Margaret prepared. They sat around the table, passing around the dishes while involved in pleasant conversation.

"So, have you two picked a date yet?" Killian asked Lily and August.

Lily smiled at August as she took his hand. "Actually yes. We were going to announce it later but I guess now is a good time. We're getting married April fourth."

"April? But Lily, don't you think that's a little too soon? That doesn't give you much time to plan," her mother told her.

"I know, but we didn't want to wait any longer. Besides I've got you and Emma helping me, so I'm not worried," Lily added in attempts to butter them up for all of the favors she'll be asking from them.

They talked more about the wedding plans and about their jobs and such as they ate. Afterwards, the boys helped with the dishes and clearing the table.

Later that night, after they each enjoyed a cup of hot cocoa and cinnamon while watching Christmas movies, Emma and Killian stayed in the same bedroom from lack of unoccupied rooms. They slept in their pajamas as he held her in his arms, all the while thinking about their future that was now within arm's reach.


	7. No Strings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to those who left kudos and comments on A Dollar for Your Time, Two for Your Heart! I was blown away by the responses to it. Hope you are enjoying this story and thanks for your patience on the updates.

Emma went into work the day after Christmas, a wide smile plastered to her face. The day before, she and Killian had spent the morning with her family and then spent the rest of the day at the agency, watching the children open presents and helping the other counselers make them a turkey dinner with all of the fixings. And afterwards, they went their separate places to sleep, which was fine. She was willing to try this relationship thing with the person she loved more than this world. She was terrified as hell, but she was willing to try.

She was afraid that if she gave her whole heart that she would lose him like her mother had lost her husband. Since the day David died, Emma wanted to be strong for her, she wanted to be there for her, but she only felt the hurt that Mary Margaret had felt. She just chose not to show it. She decided to shut it out along with other emotions; love, hatred, anger. She decided to keep it all inside and if she felt those things, she pushed people away. She didn't want to go through what her mother did and made a promise a long time ago that she would always guard her heart, but recently decided that Killian was her only exception. She didn't want to push him away anymore, he was just too important to her, so she would try... for him. Emma headed to the locker room to change when she saw the person she had been trying to avoid since the Christmas party.

"Emma, please, can I talk to you about that kiss?" Neal asked her as he approached, blocking her way to door.

Emma sighed and decided to just put an end to this right now.

"Look, Neal, I was upset that night, okay? The kiss meant absolutely nothing. I don't like you, in fact I despise you. The only reason you're working here is because your father paid your way though medical school and made you become a doctor. You don't care about children, you're only here for the money."

Neal gave her an offended look as he replied. "So if you hate me so much, then why did you ask me to leave with you that night?" 

"I told you, I was upset, so just let it go."

Emma tried to maneuver her way through the door, but he moved to block her.

"You're a little cock tease, you know that? Do you always go around kissing guys and offering to sleep with them when you're upset?"

Emma tried to ignore him as she made another attempt to get past him.

"Neal, please just get out of my way."

"Is there a problem here?" 

The sound of the familiar voice caught both of their attentions and Neal quickly stepped away as Killian approached them.

"Not at all. I was just leaving," Neal said sharply, but before he turned to leave, he continued. "Maybe you should tell your little friend here that she shouldn't be such a little cocktease."

Emma stepped up to him, holding a death glare, her blood boiling. "Maybe you should learn to take no for an answer."

"Whatever, Emma. It's your loss, not mine."

Neal turned and left as Killian stood in front of her. "What was that all about, love?"

Emma looked down as she let out a sigh. "I kissed him on the night of the Christmas party. I was upset when I saw that picture on my phone and I asked him to leave with me. The kiss meant nothing, Killian. I promise. And then I realized I didn't want to lose you and I ran out of the party and went to your place." She looked up again into his eyes as they looked back at her. She expected him to be angry, to be hurt, but he wasn't. He knew about Neal, had seen him in the halls when he came to visit but he never saw him as a threat. He knew that Emma wasn't the least bit interested in the guy.

"Emma, it's okay. I don't care about that. I'm just glad that we're together now."

"You're not mad?" 

Killian's eyes grew soft as he moved a strand of hair behind her ear. "No, love. I'm mad that he got to kiss you and then insulted you, and if we weren't in a children's hospital, I'd knock his lights out... but I'm not mad at you." He grazed his thumb over her cheek as Emma let out a long sigh of relief and gave him a small smile. "So what are doing here anyway? I thought you went to work."

"Ah. Well you left your jacket at my place and I thought you might need it." He lifted his hand and she finally noticed the jacket he held out for her.

"Thank you," she murmured as she took the coat and kissed his cheek. "Well, I have to get to work. I'll see you tomorrow tonight."

"Alright, love." He dropped a kiss to her forehead before he turned to leave.

*****

**_Six months ago..._ **

_Emma and Killian came through the door of his place, their lips latched onto one another. They peeled their clothes off and immediately fell to the floor with Emma on top of him, not being able to wait any longer to have each other. She started trailing lustful kisses down his body, working her lips and tongue over his abs as she wrapped her fingers around his thick shaft._

_"Love, you don't have to do that..." he breathed, but his protests ended when she started stroking him._

_She had yet to taste the part of him that had given her an immense amount of pleasure since they started this a week ago. Their time together had usually involved short trysts after work at his place, ending before Robin got home. Now, they had more time since Robin started seeing someone he met at the bar and was meeting at her place after work, thus giving them time to explore each other more thoroughly._

_Killian groaned and jerked up his hips as her lips continued downward. His body quivered below her as she wrapped her lips around the tip of his member and gave a teasing suck before she swiped his length with her tongue. His groans grew louder as she devoured him completely in her mouth, sucking him eagerly while stroking him with her hand. Killian put his hands on the back of her head and entangled his fingers in her hair as she took him all the way in before she reached the tip again._

_"God, love... that's incredible," He managed, bucking his hips wildly against her. After a few minutes of her fervid ministrations, she felt him begin to shudder beneath her before he came in her mouth, spilling his seed down her throat. She gave him one last long suck before she released him with a pop and swallowed. After it took him a minute to recooperate, he took her hand and pulled her to him until she was straddling his mouth. "My turn," he growled, the sound vibrating through her._

_She grabbed onto the back of the couch behind Killian for balance as he slid his hand in between her thighs, caressing her opening with his fingers. She moaned as he lightly feathered her clit with his thumb, waiting in torturous anticipation as he teased his tongue around her opening. Killian used his fingers to open her wider and when he slowly sank his tongue in her velvety folds, her hips twitched as he flicked his tongue across her clit. She moaned and gasped, openening her legs wider to allow him to go deeper. He sucked on her and swiped her juices with his tongue as she moved her hips up and down, letting him take her completely._

_"Love, you taste devine..." he growled, his voice shattered as he continued to eat into her._

_As he moved his fingers inside of her at a quicker pace, she felt herself crumble to pieces. She had never felt pleasure like this. Other guys that she had been with were nothing compared to what her best friend was doing to her with his wicked tongue. She cried out and cupped a hand around the back of his head, pressing him closer until she was sure he couldn't breathe._

_"Killian... Oh god... so close..."_

_He only moved his tongue quicker and sucked on her flesh harder until she could see flashes of white light as she reached her peak, screaming with delight. She panted heavily as he released her and cleaned her juices off his fingers and licked his lips. Still coming down from her high, he moved from underneath her and came behind her, grabbing her hips. He barely gave her time to recooperate before he nudged her entrance and penetrated her. Still high from the sensations, she winced and cried out as he thrusted into her, hard and fast. One hand reached to glide along her neck as he urged her lips to his. He groaned as he found her tongue, kissing her passionately. Her fingers found the back of his head, weaving through his hair as his hands snaked around to her breasts, squeezing the soft weight as he teased her nipples, making them hard. She moaned as she bucked her hips back into him, meeting his thrusts._

_He then grabbed her hips and lowered them both to the floor as he layed on his back, planting his feet on the carpet with his knees raised for stability. She put her legs on either side of him, using them to aide her as she raised her hips up and down on him. They both moaned as he lowered a hand and flicked her clit while his other one palmed her breast. Since they started having sex, they experimented with different positions, milking every drop of their experiences as they could._

_"I rather like this angle," he grinned. "I have the perfect access to all of your parts."_

_She moaned in agreement and it didn't take long for her to climax again. He followed behind her, thrusting deeper and more aggressively until he realeased his seed into her. They both breathed heavenly, their bodies rising and falling harshly against one another. Once they came down from earth, they realized their movements had caused their legs to get squished against the couch. So he lifted his legs up, resting them against the back of the sofa as she matched his movements, resting her legs in between his. He clutched onto her hips and she laid her head on his shoulder as their breathing became more relaxed. He placed kisses to her cheek and she sighed with a satisfied smirk on her lips._

_"I have another rule, love."_

_"Oh and what's that?" she asked curiously._

_"You're not allowed to call my penis cute or give it a cute nickname," he replied with a playful smirk._

_"You mean I can't call it something like carebear?" she asked and turned her head, brushing her cheek against his._

_"Uh, no. Even if it's giving you a care stare," he quipped as he closed his eyes._

_"Well, what can I call it then?"_

_"Something more manly," he replied casually._

_"Okay, how about Captain Winky?"_

_"Actually, I do like the name Captain. And he does like to wink at you," he mumbled as he wrapped his arms snugly around her stomach and buried his face in her neck, placing sweet kisses to her skin._

_"Captain Winky it is," she laughed as she thought about how comfortable she felt being in his embrace while they were naked. She could definitely get used to this._

*****

For the next few weeks, they continued their 'no sex' agreement as Killian picked up more hours at work and Emma kept herself busy with helping her sister and mother plan Lily's wedding. And when they were together, they surrounded themselves with their other friends so as not to be tempted. Of course there were a few times when they were left alone, but Emma wasn't willing to allow herself to falter. Whenever the desire to make love to him became overwhelming, she would remind herself of the future that she had described of them eating breakfast together as a married couple with maybe an addition or two to that family.

That picture was just too important to Emma to let anything get in the way. And she knew that Killian felt the same way because he kept to his word, not once trying to provoke her. In fact, they grew into a comfortable pattern of snuggling in bed together (with their clothes on) at night. It was almost like old times again, with the addition of handholding and kissing. It was like they were a normal couple and it scared the hell out of Emma. 

Killian's birthday was the Monday before Valentine's Day and Emma planned for him an evening at a nice restaurant with their friends. The six of them sat at a large booth and engaged in conversation as they ate their entrees and drank white wine.

"So how things going? You two still not having sex?" Ruby asked bluntly.

"Really, we're going to talk about this now?" Emma asked.

"The lass has a point. I don't want really want to be apart of any conversation involving my brother's sex life while I'm eating," Liam grumbled.

"You mean lack of sex life," Robin pointed out.

"You guys, quit teasing them. I think it's great what they're doing. And Emma, I'm very proud of you," Elsa told her.

Emma smiled as she looked at Killian and put her hand in his while using her fork with the other one.

"Well, you and Liam were right. Relationships are worth it when you've found the right person."

Killian grinned widely at that, almost taken by surprise. "Aye. Much agreed. And might I add, I'm a little offended that you're only proud of Emma. I'm the guy in this relationship after all."

"True, but you're not like most men," Elsa pointed out.

"That's very true. A guy who turns down two woman who throw themselves at him is definitely something different," Robin said and Emma scolded him at the thought. "Come on, Emma, how many times do I have to apologize for that before you forgive me?"

"I'm not mad at you for that, only that you keep having to bring it up."

"Well, I would turn down a hundred women for this one," Killian said proudly as he gave her a wink.

Emma smiled, leaning into him as she kissed his lips.

"I chose you every time, love."

"Awe, that's very sweet and all but maybe you two can spare us the cuteness while we eat before we throw up," Ruby teased with a laugh.

Emma have her a sarcastic smirk before she continued to eat. 

After they ate and paid for the bill, they started to walk out of the restaurant as Killian had his arm around Emma and bumped into someone before they made it out the door.

"Well well, if isn't the unstoppable duo," Milah scoffed at Killian and Emma as she crossed her arms with Gold at her side.

"Hey uh... we'll meet you at home," Killian told his friends.

"You sure, Killian?" Liam asked him.

"Yeah, we'll be right behind you."

The four of them left as Killian and Emma stood before Milah and Gold.

"I always knew there was something more than friendship between you two," Milah started.

"Milah, I never cheated on you. Emma and I didn't get together until after you smashed my heart into a million pieces," he snapped, starting to get angry. Emma soothed her thumb over his and it seemed to calm him as he relaxed his features.

"Right. And you expect me to believe that?" Milah asked, clenching her jaw.

"It's true. We didn't start having sex until he found out you were getting married... not that it matters what in the hell you believe anyway." Emma stared at her hard, thinking about all of the times she wanted to hate Milah when she couldn't. The woman never did approve of Killian's friendship with Emma, not that it mattered to him. He would never compromise their friendship for anyone, not even for Milah and he made that clear from day one. Still, Emma supposed that she was the real reason Milah broke up with him because how the hell do you chose this other man over Killian? Emma didn't know much about him, only what Killian told her, but she did know that he was more than twice her age and apparently made a habit of making deals and deceiving the people close to him. 

"Well that was rather mean," Milah said, offended.

"Maybe so... but you know what?" Emma stepped closer to her in a defensive stance. "You're fucking crazy... because given the choice between Killian and him..." she said, referring to Gold as she flashed him a look of disapproval. "...Given the choice between anyone, really, I'd chose Killian every time."

Milah's jaw fell agape as Killian grinned proudly at her words.

"What do you say, Killian, shall we  get out of here?" Emma asked him as she turned her head towards him.

"Would love to," he replied, still smiling as he looked at Milah, who was speechless.

Emma grabbed his hand and they walked out the door. When they reached the cold, night air, he stopped and turned around in front of her.

"Thank you for what you did in there, love." 

Emma smiled and nodded. "I meant it, Killian."

He took her other hand in his as he stepped closer to her, flashing a charming grin and leaning in to capture her lips. She felt those familiar feelings, her heart fluttering as he kissed her softly. She felt like a giddy school girl with a crush and couldn't help but giggle when she realized they were kissing outside for everyone to see. He slowly released her lips as he let go of her hand and scratched nervously behind his ear as he looked to the ground. It was a quirk of his that she loved. He struggled to speak, trying to find the courage to look into her eyes and she found his nervousness rather adorable. She gave him an encouraging smile and he finally let the words spill out as he looked up, meeting her gaze again.

"Go on a date with me."

Her breath caught in her throat as she managed a reply. "You're heavily drunk," she said with a light laugh. Actually, he only had a couple of glasses, but she was trying to come up with a reason why he would want to go on a date with her. He knew exactly how she felt about dates. It was all fake to her; putting on makeup and nice clothes just to impress the other person while trying to make yourself appear a better version of yourself. She didn't like having to lie and be fake. It just wasn't her.

"Come on, love. One date."

"Why? So I can wear makeup and act perfect all night?" She asked playfully as she considered taking him up on his offer. This was her Killian after all. She never had to pretend with him. She never had to lie or come up with excuses. She could just be herself and he loved her more for it.

He blushed shyly as he toyed with her fingers and looked down at their hands. "Aye. I'll pick you up and we can talk about our favorite books and I'll pay for everything..." He looked up again and stepped closer, raising a cocky eyebrow as he flashed her a sultry look that took her breath away. "And you can reward me with an over-the-jeans cock-rub... like a real date... this Friday."

Emma froze and looked at him like he were nuts as she realized what day that was. "This Friday's Valentines Day." Never going on an actual date, she was not a fan of the holiday and never saw the big deal and he very much knew that.

"Aye, love, it is."

"No," she replied, but at the same time she gave him a curious smile.

"Go big or go home," he chuckled. "There will be hearts and maybe some flowers..." He gave her a pleading, puppy dog look, his big blue eyes piercing into her green ones and she hated him because he knew that she could never say no to that face. "...One date."

Emma chewed on her bottom lip as she contemplated the idea. She really did want to try this whole relationship thing and she supposed that meant she had to be involved in all of the stupid traditions that came along with it. She sighed in surrender as she gave a reply.

"Fine."

"What?" he asked, not believing what he was hearing.

"I'll go on a date with you," she murmured.

He reached his hand to his ear and leaned in as if he couldn't hear her. "What was that, love?"

"I'll go on a date with you," she said more loudly into his ear.

"Oh, oh. I thought that's what you said," he teased with a smirk.

"But no flowers, okay," she laughed and put her hands in her coat pocket, walking away as he followed behind her.

"You've got a deal, love."

****

**_Three months ago..._ **

_Emma came through the door of her apartment with a watchful eye as she looked around to make sure her roommates were in their rooms. With the apartment appearing empty, she took Killian's hand, leading him to the bathroom and shut the door behind them. He walked her backwards towards the bathtub and after she turned on the shower, she spun around, grabbing his face and kissing him hard. He groaned as he moved his lips against hers and started peeling off her shirt. She lifted her arms and broke the kiss only so he could remove the offending material. They both kicked off their shoes and helped rid each other of the rest of their clothing before they stepped into the tub._

_Their lips were still latched as she felt the hot stream of water on her skin as she wrapped her arms around the back of his neck, kissing him deeper. His hands were gliding along her body before he found her bottom, giving her a light squeeze. He pulled her closer, allowing her to feel his hardening member pressed between their aching bodies and she moaned in response as her back met with the cold, tiled wall. He bit her bottom lip and left a trail of lustful, desperate kisses from her cheek down to her neck. He lifted her up and she hugged his hips with her legs, allowing him entrance and he groaned as his throbbing shaft met her warm center._

_She gave a thrust with her hips, begging for him and he responded by plunging into her heated flesh fiercely. Neither of them could stop the string of moans that fell from their mouths as he held her up and rocked into her sharp and fast, their wet, slippery bodies smacking together. She just hoped the sound of the water hitting the tub covered up their cries of pleasure. They panted breathlessly as he continued to fuck her against the shower wall, her orgasm building slowly. Their lips found each other again, muffling her screams as she found sweet surrender. His movements slowed as he gave her his final thrusts, finishing inside of her and she was amazed his knees didn't buckle underneath him as she became a boneless mess._

_The next few months went by pleasantly as they continued having sex in every possible place and position they dreamt up; the back of their cars, public restrooms, movie theaters and broom closets. And she decided that it was the best sex of her life and their secrecy only made it hotter and more exciting. She never regretted one moment of it, only the fact that she was letting him take her completely, making her feel things that she tried to deny for so long. She knew it was only a matter of time before she fell into complete surrender to this thing people called falling in love._


	8. Always Guard Your Heart

The week went by dreadfully slow and when Friday finally came around, his stomach was a bundle of nerves. He was actually panicking, he was so nervous and this was his best friend... the person that knew him more than anyone, even more than his brother did. So why was he so nervous?

"You doing alright there, Killian?" Belle asked him as he poured himself some coffee in the break-room, only he missed the mug from not paying attention and spilled it on his shirt.

He hissed as he felt the hot liquid burn through the material. Belle handed him a dry rag and he attempted to dry himself, rubbing at the area furiously.

"Well, it doesn't appear that I am, does it lass?" he managed with a small smile.

"Well, I've seen you more graceful," she laughed. "I take it you're nervous about tonight?"

"Aye. I don't think I've ever been so nervous in my life."

"Well, you really need to relax. You have nothing to be worried about. You've got Emma this far."

"I just don't want to screw this up. And I don't think I can handle being pushed away again. I'd do anything for her, but everyone has their breaking point."

"I know, Killian, but you can't think about that. What happened to the confident and optimistic Killian that I know?" She asked with an encouraging smile.

"That Killian left when Emma said she would go on a date with him," he replied with a light laugh.

"I'm sure the date will go fine. Don't sweat it."

"I hope you're right, Belle."

After Killian left the agency, his palms started to sweat. He had spent all week planning for this day. He wanted to make the night was as special as possible and he wanted it to last. He even made an itinerary for the evening that included everything they would be doing. As silly as he felt typing it up, they had alot to do in one night. He wanted to cover all the bases; entertainment, dinner, desert and of course romance. And since he made a promise that he wouldn't get her flowers, the kids at the agency made a bouquet of paper mâché carrots with long leaves for stems and tied it together with ribbon for him to give to her. With everything planned, all that was left was to get showered and dressed. She was leaving work at eight o'clock, so he still had a couple of hours to get ready.

After he took a shower and trimmed his stubble, he put on a black suit with a red button-up shirt and a light amount of cologne. He then messed with his hair for about half an hour until he was satisfied with it, even though he didn't know why he was going through all this effort to impress her. She always preferred him in jeans and a t-shirt anyway but he wanted to go the distance for her because how often does someone get the privilege to go in a date with Emma Swan?

Before he left the house, he grabbed the itinerary and the carrot bouquet. It was an unseasonably warm evening as he pulled up to the hospital. It wasn't dark yet but the sun was descending in the sky, leaving a warm shade of gray, almost purple. 

Killan grabbed the bouquet and went around to lean on the passenger side as Emma walked out. The sight took his breath away. She was wearing a light layer of makeup and a light purple dress that almost sparkled against the color of the air. She had on a long, beige trench coat over her dress with her purse strapped to her shoulder. 

He walked forward to meet her halfway. "You look... amazing."  

Blush crept into her cheeks as she smiled lightly. "Thank you."

He pulled the carrot bouquet from behind his back and she let out a soft laugh as she took it. 

"You said no flowers, but you didn't say anything about carrots. And these were made by the kids, so I figured you wouldn't mind."

"That's pretty cute."

"Well, I'm pretty good at this," he said matter-of-factly with a smirk.

"Thank you." She flashed him a smile as she took the flowers, but it was mixed with a tired and weary expression. "It's been a really rough day..."

He reached out and put his hand in hers. "Well, I promise you, it's about to get better," he assured her. They walked to the car and he opened the door for her before he got in the driver's side. Killian started the car and Emma laid the carrot bouquet in the center console as if it were an actual bouquet of flowers. After they buckled up, she pulled something out of her purse and held it up for him to see. "I made you a Valentine's card..."

"What?" he asked teasingly in a high-pitched voice. He looked over and took it, his heart melting when he saw it.

On the card was a picture of a human heart that had actual band-aids stuck to the corners. "It's perfect." He chuckled lightly as he handed it back to her. "Can you read it for me, love?" He pulled away from the hospital as she opened the card and read her writing.

"You give me premature ventricular contractions."

He raised a brow as he stole a glance at her. "I take it that's a good thing?"

She nodded and spoke with sincerity. "It means you make my heart skip a beat."

As if on cue, his heart did the same thing at her words.

"Don't make fun of me," she laughed as she set it next to the flowers.

"I would never make fun of you, Emma. I love it." He made an attempt to steady his breathing as he tried not get his hopes up too much. "Are you excited about tonight?"

"Yeah." She turned her head to look at him. "I'm glad to see you."

"But are you excited?" he asked with hope in his voice.

"Yeah," she murmured.

"Louder, love," he said encouragingly.

She laughed as she spoke in a loud, but playful voice. "Yeah! So excited!"

"That's more like it." He smiled and grabbed the itinerary from the back seat and handed it to her.

"What's this?"

"It's our itinerary."

"You made me an itinerary?" She laughed and rolled her eyes as she looked through the pages.

"Aye. We have a lot to do tonight, gotta make up for loss time."

"Google maps... nice," she said, nodding her head in approval.

Their first stop was mini golf and by the time they got there, it was dark, but the place was lit up with red, pink and white lights covering the trees and a small bridge over the creek.

"Full disclosure, I have played before and I might be kind of good at it," Killian said as they reached the course with golf clubs and a ball. "Ladies first."

"Okay... just don't expect too much." Emma placed the ball in its position and took her stance at the first hole.

"Nice and easy, love."

She swung, lightly tapping on the ball and it went straight into the hole. "Yeah," She nodded proudly. "I stuck it in."

"Nicely done," Killian praised her, impressed, before he took his turn. He also got a hole in one and they moved to the next one. "This one's a little more complicated. You're going to have to bank it off there," he said as he pointed his club at the corner ahead of them. "It's all about the geometry."

She took a swing and they watched it roll and ricochet off the corner and to the left until it went smoothly in the hole. Emma clapped her hands excitedly. "Whoo!"

The third hole was even more complicated as she sent the ball through a tunnel into a large, plastic house and it came out at a lower level that they had to walk around to get to. When it was spit out and went directly in the hole, Emma threw her hands up, the club in both of them and Killian cheered as he lifted her up in excitement and spun her around.

"Bloody brilliant, Emma." When he put her down, she curled her arms around the back of his neck, one hand cupping his nape as she leaned in for a soft kiss. He parted his mouth for her and swiped his tongue against hers as his hands reached for her waist, pulling her to him. As he tilted his head and deepened the kiss, he couldn't have been more happy in that moment. He was glad that she was enjoying their date. It was definitely a good sign and he only hoped the night could only get better from here.

When they left, he drove her to Granny's Diner and sat in stools at the bar counter. "Can we get a chocolate milkshake, please?" He asked the waitress. 

Emma looked at him, confused. "I don't get my own milkshake?"

"No, love. It's one milkshake and two straws. That's what makes it special."

"But I'm so hungry," she whined in complaint.

"We have dinner later. Didn't you read the itinerary?"

She flashed him a sarcastic smile as the waitress came back and set the milkshake in front of them. Killian grabbed two straws from the straw holder next to Emma and stuck them in the shake.

"You're going to get more shake. You have a bigger mouth," she teased.

He cocked an eyebrow as he flashed her a wicked smirk. "You have a pretty big mouth love." He was definitely not thinking what she could do to him with that big mouth of hers.

She blushed and smiled shyly before she dove in and took the straw between her lips, sucking quickly as if challenging him to a contest.

"Whoa. Easy, love." He took the other straw in his mouth, their foreheads brushing against eachother as they drank the milkshake. 

Emma snuck a hand to grab another straw, placing it in the glass so that she was drinking with two straws.

"Hey. That's cheating," he laughed as he grabbed a handful, using them to slurp up the shake until she laughed and released the straws. She licked the milkshake off of her lips as he lifted his head, laughing with her.

She reached for his face and used her thumb over the corner of his mouth to wipe off the milkshake that got on him. She licked it off of her fingers as he swept his tongue over his lips.

"I really like you," he smiled.

"I really like you."

They stared into each other's eyes as he thought of what he really wanted to say to her. He gulped thickly just thinking about it, and the way she looked at him, he knew she felt it too. "In fact, I..." He started to let the words fall from his tongue, but then he could see the fear flashing in her eyes. She quickly turned her head and continued to drink the milkshake.

Next, they went to an outdoor museum where there were columns of tall, white pillars with large, globed lights. As they walked, Emma was silent as he tried to start up casual conversation. During the car ride, she didn't say one word as she looked out the window, but he did his best to be hopeful. He gave her space and didn't pressure her in the least, but he knew deep inside that there was nothing he could really do. Once the wheels started turning in her head, it was too late. He knew that she was regretting going on a date with him and that she was thinking of all the excuses not to be with him.

Finally Emma spoke.

"I can't do this. Would you please take me back to work?" she asked him quietly as she looked at the ground.

His heart sank in his chest as his expression fell. He had known this was coming from, but he could have never prepared himself for it actually happening. He wasn't about to give up so easily though.

"No. That's not the deal. The deal is that we're going to walk around and we're going to look at the twinkly lights and then-"

Emma stopped in her tracks as she looked up at him. "Why are you messing everything up?"

Killian turned around to stand in front of her. Her eyes were dark and shielded as she continued.

"You know me... more than anyone. This stuff freaks me out. It's fake. Why can't we just go back to the way things were? It was working. We didn't have to fight, we didn't have to-"

"Maybe I want to fight," he shot back. He was tired of holding everything in, not being to express his feelings because he was afraid of pushing her away. And he wanted to be able to do everything a normal couple did. "That's what people do, Emma. They buy eachother flowers and they go to museums and sometimes they fight and sometimes they get mad."

"Well, I don't." As she said this, he could see emotions in her eyes, bursting to break through.

He looked at her with stormy eyes as he spoke in a louder voice. "What are you going to do? Just pretend you never feel anything and be alone the rest of your life? How are you going to do that, love?" 

"I don't know. I'll figure it out. I don't need you to take care of me. I take care of myself. That's what I do." With that said, Emma looked away, but he could see her eyes glistening with tears. "Why don't you go find some other girl who's not going to hurt you?"

He didn't even give himself a chance to think about the question. The words just flew out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Because I love you. There, I said it. I'm completely in love with you and I have been since I first laid eyes on you!"

Emma froze at his words as she looked at him again, her eyes even more shielded than before. "You've been in love with me this whole time?"

"Aye. But I shoved my feelings down for you and I promise you, everything I've done, I did for you."

Emma looked at him with a cold expression, her voice becoming louder with every word. "Oh, right. So you never wanted to have sex with me or all of the things we've done in those six months?! You're so full of crap!"

"Of course I wanted to. I just meant that I would never take advantage of you. I care about you too much and all I ever wanted to do was make you happy."

Emma turned away, trying to process everything she was hearing. 

He stepped closer to her and his eyes grew soft as he spoke more quietly. "Emma, please... tell me you don't feel the same and I'll take you back to the hospital right now. Just look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."

Emma was silent for what seemed like an eternity as he tried to read her expression. Her eyes lifted and were locked on his and he could see all the pain that she kept trapped inside. He could see everything inside of her fighting against her as a tear escaped and slid down her cheek. Then she finally spoke in a quiet, but firm voice.

"I don't love you."

It was like his entire world was crashing in front of him and the ache in his heart was unbearable. He knew that's not how she really felt, but somehow he had to accept her answer. As much as he hated to admit it, she was right. This was who she was and he knew he couldn't change that. He let out an exasperated sigh as he turned and started to walk to his car. She followed behind him and they were both silent as they got in the car. As he drove her back to the hospital, the silence was unbearable, but neither of them broke it until he pulled up in front of the hospital.

"We shouldn't see eachother again. I can't do this anymore," he murmured as he looked ahead, not being able to meet her eye.

"I know. Makes sense." She sniffled as more tears spilled down her cheek and it broke his heart, but he knew he had to let her go.

He looked at her one last time before she went, wanting to keep every detail of her locked away inside of him forever. She opened the door and got out, shutting it behind her. She walked away sluggishly, looking back at him one last time before she disappeared inside of the hospital. He knew that she was struggling with an internal battle, but he could longer wait for her feelings for him to win. He had to move on...

Killian left and went back to his place. When he walked inside, he had forgotten that his brother and Elsa would be there having dinner that they had cooked together. Liam's apartment was rather small and Ruby was at the girls' loft with Dr. Whales, so Killian told them that they could use his house for their romantic dinner for two. They were at the table with lit-up candles as they ate.

"Killian, how was it?" Elsa asked as she turned to look at him.

"Yeah, it wasn't," he replied simply. 

"Do you want to talk about it, brother?" Liam asked with a concerned expression.

Killian shook his head as he started walking to his room. "I just want to be alone right now." He went through the door and laid in the bed, his body stiff as he looked up at the ceiling. He thought about every part that he would miss about Emma. Her golden blonde hair and how it felt between his fingers. Her soft, pink lips and how they grew swollen after he kissed her. He thought about her smile, her laugh, her beautiful emerald eyes. The way her skin felt against his, the smell of her perfume. Suddenly he felt a rush of tears that had been screaming to escape. He finally let it all go and he turned on his side, his body curling up as the tears spilled down his cheek. His started sobbing uncontrollably, letting everything he felt get the best of him. He grabbed the pillow, burying his face in it and he could smell Emma's scent that lingered there.


	9. Numb the Pain

"So, Liam and I won't be there for the rehearsal dinner, but we'll definitely be there for the wedding Saturday," Elsa told Emma, pulling her from her thoughts as they walked down the hospital halls in their blue scrubs. Ever since her and Killian broke up six weeks ago, she had been in a state of depression, barely speaking to her friends. Normally, when she was down like this, she had Killian there to tell her that everything would be alright, but now that she had lost not only the one guy she's ever loved and been in a relationship with, she also lost her best friend... and it hurt. It hurt her so much, she didn't think she would ever get through this. But somehow she managed to hold all the pain and hurt inside. Somehow, she had to make it through her days with a brave face. She spent most of her time working and helping her sister plan her wedding in an attempt to take her mind off of him. 

"What are you doing tonight?" she asked Elsa.

"We're going to the charity event at the agency. Remember I told you a few weeks ago?"

"Oh, right," Emma murmured, a solemn look on her face. Killian held it every year to raise money for the children but she was too busy thinking about how much she missed him. She had to avoid any interactions with him since he told her they shouldn't see each other anymore. As hard as it was, she wanted to obey his wishes. She also missed Adam and Ava, although she had visited them a few times when Killian wasn't there and she took them to Granny's for ice cream while she had hot cocoa and cinnamon. Granny was no longer there because she had finally retired, but it was still Emma's favorite place to go and have a cup of hot chocolate.

"Liam wanted to go but I don't have to go if you don't want me to..."

"No, it's fine. You should go."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, definitely. Don't worry about it. I'll see you Saturday."

Elsa looked at her friend, unconvinced but she reluctantly accepted her answer before they parted ways.

*****

_**Fourteen years ago...** _

_Emma placed her bag on her new bed and sat next to it. This house was strange. It was tidy and inviting. There was a welcome mat at the front door and family photos on the wall. It was quiet and just overall homey. Being in crowded foster homes and an Orphange, she was not used to this. Although, sharing a room with someone else was not new to her, she still felt out of place. And her parents were so friendly and welcoming, it was all too much. In fact, she decided to stay in her room and keep to herself for the most part._

_She felt bad because these people took her in and gave her a home, but still, it didn't feel like her home. Then again, there was no place that felt like home, there was only one person. Killian was her home. And goodness did she miss him. She missed their chats in the closet and how he always knew how to make her feel better when she was feeling down. She missed his blue eyes and his smile and just everything about him. Since her first day at the Nolan household, she spent most of her time in the closet, knowing that he was doing the same at Neverland. She knew her new parents were concerned about her, but they were kind enough to give her space._

_Two weeks had passed since she first arrived and she still stayed in her closet while the rest of the household had dinner. She was hungry, but really wasn't in the mood for socializing. Since the first night, Lily would bring a plate of food for her and left it on the nightstand. Emma ate if after she left and then went right back into the closet. This particular night, however, she was not inclined to eat and the plate was left on the nightstand untouched. The ache from not being able to see Killian was just too overwhelming._

_"Emma."_

_She heard a knock on the closet door, along with a soothing voice, forcing her to look up from having her face in her arms that rested on her knees._

_"Hey. May I come in?" David asked as he stood in the doorway. His features were warm and laced with concern, but she knew it was fake because how could he care about someone he didn't even know? She nodded her head reluctantly and he stepped inside and gestured to the spot beside her._

_"May I?"_

_She was surprised that he was asking permission in his own home. She was used to people telling her what to do, instead of being asked politely. She nodded again and he sat down on the floor next to her._

_He was silent for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts._

_"Listen, I know it must be strange in a new home with a strange family who you don't know, and you must miss your friends back at the orphanage but... I just want you to know that Mary Margaret and I... we want you to feel welcome here. And if there's anything that we can do to make this transition easier for you... we will do whatever it takes."_

_Emma nodded, still silent._

_David let out a soft, nervous sigh as he continued._

_"You know, when I was young, I was taken from from my parents and was adopted by another family. So I know what it's like. I didn't hide in the closet but I did stay in my room and it took me weeks to be able to warm up to them. So, when you're ready, we would love to have you at the dinner table and get to know you more... but there's no pressure... whenever you're ready."_

_They were both silent for a moment before David stood up and headed for the door._

_"David," she murmured in almost a whisper._

_He turned his head to her, a hopeful expression on his face._

_"Thank you."_

_She could see his body become more relaxed as he let out a sigh of relief and tried to hide a smile._

_"You're welcome. Like I said, anything you need, let us know."_

*****

The next day was the rehearsal dinner as she wore a purple dress. Even though, he no longer seen her, she still wore the color because it reminded her of him. Lily's wedding was two days away as Emma drove with her mother to the banquet hall and tried to put on a smile for her. It didn't work very well though as her mother looked at her, concerned.

"You know, I worry about you sometimes, Emma."

Emma's expression fell as she sighed. "Why? Is this about me not having a date at the wedding?"

"No, no... I know that you can dance alone. Although, I wish that you and Killian could have worked things out, but I know you'll be fine. You're always fine," she said with a cheerful smile.

"So... what is this about then?" Emma asked, confused.

Mary Margaret's features relaxed as she replied. "I don't know, it's just that when we lost your father, I couldn't stand to see you in pain, Emma. And I think you knew that. I think you got good at being strong for me." Mary Margaret grabbed her hand and put it in both of hers as Emma kept her eyes focused on the road. Her mother looked at her and spoke with conviction in her soothing tone. "But I'm telling you... be hurt, Emma. I can take it... the world can take it."

Emma swallowed thickly, her eyes glazed with tears as she nodded. "Okay." Somehow her mother's words had that kind of effect on her.

When they arrived at the banquet hall, Emma socialized with their friends and family as a part of her thought about what her mother had told her in the car. She had gotten so good at holding everything in, she didn't know any other way. Emma looked across the room and saw Lilly stress-eating hors d'ouerves as she sat on one of the lounge chairs in the lobby. Emma walked over to her sister and sat next to her. 

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just nervous. I just love August so much. I know you think it's stupid-"

"No, I don't," Emma assured her as she reached for Lilys hand.

"You don't?"

"No, I don't." Emma pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she tried to bite back the tears that were threatening her eyes. "I just miss him so much, Lilly."

"Who, Killian?"

Emma nodded. "I know it's over and I should move on... it's just that no one is as... " Emma sighed thoughtfully before she continued. "He's just so annoyingly happy and... he 's just... he has the best heart."  

Lily looked at her knowingly and smiled.

"He does have the best heart," she agreed and looked down at Emma's phone that was laying on the coffee table and released her hand to pick it up, handing it to her.

"Call him."

"What? No, I can't just call him."

"Don't argue," she said in a demanding tone. "I'm the bride, you have to do what I say."

"Lily, we haven't spoke in over a month."

Lily scolded her as she sighed. "It's my day."

"He doesn't want to talk to me. I screwed it up."

"It's my day!" Lily repeated.

Emma sighed in defeat and took the phone. Her heart started pounding as she found his name in her contact list and hit the call button. She waited for what seemed like an eternity until he finally picked up.

"Hello?" He answered in a cold and distant voice, like he didn't even know her.

"Hi. Killian, it's me, Emma. Remember me?" she teased with a nervous laugh. "Emma Swan from Neverland Orphanage."

"What do you want, Emma?" he asked harshly.

"I just... I wanted to see how the fundraiser was going."

There was a brief pause before he spoke again, his voice more calm. "It's fine. We've almost met our goal in donations."

"That's... that's great... I'm so glad. How are the kids... and Belle?"

"They're fine."

"That's good. I'm just at my sister's rehearsal dinner-"

"Emma, why are you calling me?"

"I don't know..." She swallowed thickly, trying to calm her breathing and spoke in a quiet, strained voice. "I just miss you... I miss you so much."

She heard Killian sigh. "No, you're calling me because you're with your sister and she's getting married and she's happy... everyone's happy and you're not."

"I guess I..." her fingers started to twitch involuntary, almost dropping the phone. "I don't know, I just wanted to hear your voice. I know that we broke up but-"

"Emma, we never broke up... we barely even started." His words hit her like a brick. She knew that he was hurt, but it was like she was speaking to a different person on the other line. "Look, I have to go. I'm still at work so uh... have fun at the wedding and tell your sister I wish her and August the best. Goodbye, Emma."

She heard the call end as she felt a tear slide down her cheek. She couldn't believe that was her Killian. She couldn't believe that this is what became of them. "Oh, Fuck." She set the phone down and looked at Lily in shock. She knew right then that she couldn't let this be the end. "I have to..."

Lily nodded her head. "...go."

Emma nodded back as she began to stand up. "...now."

She grabbed her purse and phone and practically ran out of the banquet hall and got in her car. 

*****

_The next few weeks, she stayed in the closet when she wasn't at school and David would occasionally come to check on her. Lily would visit her too and they bonded, but they didn't really have much in common. She had to admit, though, that she enjoyed her conversations with David. He was easy to talk to and she eventually found herself opening up to him. He would come into the closet in his police uniform and he would tell her intriguing stories involving his job. She would tell him about the various foster homes she was in and about the orphanage. And eventually she told him about Killian. Although David had seen her hug him and his brother on the day she was adopted, he never asked about them until she was ready to spill._

_"I'm sorry you were taken away from him, Emma," he said sincerely._

_"You don't have apologize for adopting me. Honestly I was glad to leave the orphanage, I just miss Killian so much."_

_"I know and if maybe we had a bigger house and I made more money to support a bigger family, we would adopt Killian and his brother to get them out of there, but-"_

_"It's okay. I don't blame you. I do wish there was a way to get them out of there, though. I made him a promise to find a way, but I have no idea how to."_

_"Well, you know, I could ask around, but adopting two teenaged boys is a lot of responsibility. There might be someone who would be willing to provide a good home for them, though."_

_"Really? You would do that? You would ask around?"_

_"Yeah, I mean I have connections with some adoption agencies at work so I can ask about the families looking to adopt, but like I said, I don't know if I would be able to find anyone willing to adopt two teenagers, but I can try. I just don't want you to get your hopes up though."_

_For the first time in a while, Emma felt a wide smile pull at her lips as she sprang her arms out and gave him a hug. He smiled back as he slowly pulled his arms around her, taken aback by her embrace._

_"Thank you... Dad."_

_David sucked in a breath and even Emma was surprised by using that word. But it was the first time she actually felt like she had a parent._

_"Your welcome, Emma."_

*****

It was a twenty-minute drive to Killian's house. She decided that when she saw him, she wanted them to be alone when she expressed everything she felt for him and not at the agency surrounded by people. She drove through heavy traffic and when she finally arrived there, the lights were off, so she let herself inside and went into his bedroom. She sat on the bed and laid her head down on the pillow and his scent filled her scenses and God she missed that smell. Emma stared at the ceiling as she waited, her stomach full of knots. She used the time to think about everything she wanted to say to him, hoping that somehow he would forgive her. 

After half an hour went by and he hadn't shown yet, she became too anxious to lay there and wait, so she decided to go to the agency. And in case he showed up after she left, she looked around for something to write with and she was frustrated because why can't two grown-ass men have one damn pen and a pad of paper in their house? She finally found a red marker in Killian's desk drawer. 

When she arrived at the agency, she was fiddling with her fingers nervously as she approached the building. She reached the glass door and looked through it. She saw the kids and Robin and Elsa and Liam. Then she looked toward the back of the room and she saw _him_. And he was talking to Bell... and he was happy. They were consumed in their conversation and there was little distance between them as they laughed. He was actually happy and she knew she didn't want to take that away from him, even if she could. Tears started falling from her eyes and she didn't try to stop them. They just kept falling as she turned around and lowered herself to sit on the ground. She let out all of the pain and hurt and everything else she had inside of her as she let herself cry like she had never cried before. 

*****

_"Granny, this is Emma." David introduced her to the owner of the diner as they sat at a booth on a Saturday morning. It had become a tradition of theirs. Mary Margaret had suggested it since he was the only one who got her to really open up. And the more comfortable she felt around David, the more likely she was willing to open up to Mary Margaret and Lily._

_"Well, hello there, Buttercup. What can I get you for breakfast?"_

_Emma looked at David, unsure of what she was allowed to get._

_"You can get whatever your heart desires," David assured her with a warm smile._

_She looked at the menu in her hands and saw the waffles. "Can I get the strawberry waffles with whip cream?"_

_"Of course. Anything to drink with that?" Granny asked._

_Emma looked at David again and he looked back at her knowingly. "Whatever you want, Emma."_

_"Can I get a hot chocolate with cinnamon?"_

_"Sure thing. I'll bring your drinks right out," Granny said as she retrieved the menus and left._

_"Hot cocoa with cinnamon... that's an odd choice."_

_She shrugged. "I had it at a foster home once and I've been craving it ever since."_

_"Hey, I wasn't judging," he said with a light chuckle._

_She laughed back and she realized it was the first time she had laughed since she was with Killian. They fell into easy conversation and he told her about how he arrested a robber who held up the town bank with a gun. She was impressed by what he did and how he saved people everyday. He was a heroe and made her proud to call him Dad, so she decided that was what she wanted to do. She made a promise to Killian... a promise to do something great, so she decided she wanted to be a police officer and save people like her father._

_The next day, Emma came downstairs for dinner and Mary Margaret and Lily graced her with a warm smile as they gave her a plate. She still felt out of her comfort zone, but these people were nice enough, she was willing to lower her walls a bit for them. Eventually she found herself seeing these people as her family. She would go shopping with Mary Margaret and Lily after Saturday breakfast and at nighttime she would chat with Lily about boys and school and sometimes they would stay up all night in their beds just talking. It had taken a few months, but she finally saw these people as home._

*****

Emma called her sister as she walked back to her car, her cheeks stained with tears.

"Hey, how did it go? Did you find him?" Lily asked alittle too eagerly.

"Yeah," Emma murmured, her voice completely gone. "But he was with Bell and he just looked so happy, I couldn't do it."

"Oh Emma, I'm so sorry," Lily said empathically as Emma let out a long, exasperated breath. "Okay, you need to get in your car and just drive... and how much money do you have?"

Emma's mind was frazzled as she opened her car door, but was able to muster a reply. "Like ten bucks."

"Okay, a box of fifteen doughnut holes is five seventy-nine. You're gonna need two."

"I lost him," she said in a strangled voice.

"I'm so sorry, Em. I love you."

She started sobbing again. "I know. I love you too."

Emma hung up and did as Lily said. She went to the closest convenient store and scrounged up some loose change from her purse and used that plus the ten dollar bill she had to buy two boxes of doughnuts. Then she got in her car and turned on her CD player that contained the period mix that Killian had gave her. She skipped to the song, Bleeding Love, cranking it up as she continued to cry, singing along to the lyrics and she just drove, not even knowing where she was going. After driving for a while, her phone lit up in the center console and she picked it up, part of her hoping it was Killian. When she looked at the screen, she saw that it was Elsa sending her a text.

**Elsa: Call me asap.**

*****

_"Hi Buttercup. Does your parents know you're eating waffles for an after-school snack?" Granny asked when she came in one day after school and sat at the bar counter._

_"Actually, I just came to get a hot chocolate. I got some allowance money from doing chores," Emma told her as she reached into her pocket and grabbed some wrinkled up dollar bills._

_"Sure thing. And don't worry about it, it's on the house."_

_"Oh, thanks," she smiled weakly and put the money back in her pocket._

_When Granny left to get the hot chocolate, Emma rested her chin in her hands as her elbows leaned on the counter, her lips curving into a frown. After six months of David searching for someone who was willing to provide a suitable home for the boys and coming up with nothing, Emma started to lose hope._

_"Why the long face?" Granny asked as she put the mug in front of her._ _"Does it have anything to do with the boy you left at the orphanage?"_

_Emma lifted her eyes to her and gave a nod. "I just miss him."_

_"Well, I'm sure you'll see him again someday. He won't be there forever."_

_"I know, but... it just hurts. And I just wish someone could adopt them so he didn't have to be there anymore. Even if we didn't get to be together, that would be okay as long as he's out of there."_

_"You really do like this boy, don't you?"_

_"Yeah, I do. He's my best friend."_

_"You know, it's a shame someone would give him and his brother up. I, myself, always wanted a boy, but the doctor told me I would never be able to have kids. My husband and I thought about adopting but then then he was taken from me in a car accident and I just settled on being alone. And a word of advice... never be alone, Emma. It's miserable, believe me."_

_"I'm so sorry you lost your husband," Emma said before she took a sip from her mug, her heart aching for the older woman._

_"Thanks, sweetness. How's your hot chocolate?"_

_"It's perfect. Thank you." Emma replied, flashing her a warm smile._

_After that, she came in every day after school to get a cup of hot cocoa. She found that this socializing thing wasn't too bad. And she knew it was because of Killian. If she never would have met him, she would probably still be afraid to open up to people... afraid to let people in just to have them leave. Then she realized that some people were worth the risk._

_A few weeks later, she came in and sat in her normal stool. Granny didn't greet her as usual, which was strange. She was quiet, in fact, and had a thoughtful look on face as she wiped down the counter._

_"You okay, Granny?"_

_The woman finally looked up and met her gaze. "Yeah. Sorry, Buttercup. I was just thinking."_

_Emma nodded understandingly. "It's okay. It's just not like you to be so quiet."_

_"Well, I've been thinking that it wouldn't be so bad to not be alone anymore."_

_Emma looked at her questionably._

_"You said that Killian was at the Neverland Orphange in Storybrooke, Maine, right?"_

_Emma nodded, but was confused as to why she was asking._

_"Then, I suppose I should find someone to watch the Diner for a few days."_

_Emma looked at her even more confused._

_"I'm going to Maine to adopt Killian and his brother."_

_Emma's eyes blew wide, not believing what she was hearing._

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah, it'd be nice to have some help around the house, anyway. This lady's getting too old," she laughed._

_A wide smile took over Emma's face. She was going to see Killian again. They were going to be reunited and she couldn't even contain her excitement. Her arms sprang forward and she leaned over the counter to give her a hug._

_"Thank you so much!"_

_Emma started waitressing the Diner after Granny gave her the rundown about the job. She was glad that Granny actually trusted her with it and she ran the cash register and took the customer orders with pride as she patiently awaited Granny's return with the boys._

_A week had passed when Granny finally came through the door. Emma was writing down an order in her notepad at one of the booths when she looked over and saw her. An excited smile came across her face, but then quickly faded when she saw Granny's expression... and she was alone._

_She quickly walked up to her and looked at her questionably._

_Granny met her gaze and let out a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry, Buttercup... they were already adopted."_

_Emma looked at her in shock and she became a mixture of emotions. She was disappointed that she wouldn't get be with Killian again, but at the same time, she was glad that he and his brother were out of that place and hopefully were being taken care of._


	10. Love Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. It ended up being longer than I had originally intended and I had alot of things to work out in this chapter. There will be one more after this one. Hope you enjoy!

"Killian, your phone is ringing... 'Do Not Call Her'," Belle laughed as she came from the break room, where he had left it earlier, and handed it to him.

Killian swallowed hard as he took it from her. He tried so hard not to to think of her, not to miss her but lord knows he did. When he put the phone up to his ear, he tried to sound as impassive as he could. He couldn't let her know how much he needed her. When he heard he say his name, his bleedin' heart sank deep in his chest. He could tell how much she was hurting, but he had to be strong. He didn't want to risk another heartbreak. It tore at him as he spoke and when she told him that she missed him, he was about two seconds away from just leaving the agency to find her, but it took everything in him not to. After he hung up, he realized Belle had been watching him with her arms crossed.

"I don't want to hear it, lass," he said with a sigh.

"I didn't say anything. But you don't really expect me to believe any of what you just said to her, do you?"

"It doesn't matter, it had to be said. I have to move on."

Bell shrugged as a knowing smile fell upon her lips. Even she knew he could truly get over Emma, but she didn't say another word about it. As the night went on, people came in and made donations and met the children. They provided a buffet of food and drinks, nothing fancy but so far, it was a big turn out. Meanwhile, he tried to get Emma out of his head, but ultimately failed. He stood in the back of the room looking at his phone. 

"You're thinking of calling her back, aren't you?" Belle asked him as she approached.

Killian sighed. "Aye."

"Look, Killian, I think you should just go over to her place and have a long chat. You both obviously miss each other and I think you could work things out."

"But Belle, I can't just go back to being just friends or... whatever you call what we were doing before. I can't even look at her without wanting everything... a future, marriage, kids, the whole nine yards and I don't think I'll ever be able to have that with her. Apparently there's something wrong with me. I can't get a lass to settle down with. I mean look at out how things turned out with Milah."

Belle let out a light laugh. "There's nothing wrong with you, Killian. And actually, there's something I should probably tell you."

Killian looked at her with an arched brow. "What is it, love?"

Belle sucked in a deep breath as her features became more serious. "Well, the other day, when you weren't here, Gold came in."

Killian's jaw clenched at his name.

"He came in to apologize to you."

"I don't want to hear anything he had to say," Killian mumbled as he looked ahead with his arms crossed.

"I know, but let me finish. He broke it off with Milah and said he couldn't go through with  the wedding. And I knew that you would never buy anything he had to say, so I told him to tell me what he would say to you. And he gave me this long, heartfelt speech-"

"It's all a bunch of crap, Belle. That man doesn't give a crap about me."

"I think he does and I know there's nothing I could say for you to believe that, but what I wanted to tell you was..." Belle started to fidget with her fingers nervously. "You're probably going to hate me, but... Gold kind of asked me out... and I kind of said yes."

Killian looked at her, stunned. 

"Look, I know what you're thinking, but he seemed very sincere and sweet and it's only one date... But if you don't want me to, I won't. The last thing I want is for you to feel like I betrayed you."

His features slowly became more relaxed as he looked at Belle and he knew he couldn't be mad at her, just worried that Gold would hurt her. "Lass, I would never think that about you... I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"So, you're not mad?"

He shook his head with a weak smile.

Belle let a sigh of relief.

"But I do have to warn you... if he hurts you I'll break his neck."

Belle laughed, not believing he acutaully would. "Okay." 

Killian looked down to the floor, his thoughts going back to Emma. Belle put a soothing hand on his shoulder. 

"You need to make things right with her. You two had something special and rare and... you're absolutely miserable without her. Why don't you tell me more about this future you envision?"

He lifted his head, his eyes growing soft and thought about her question for a moment before he replied. "I guess, I imagine that we date for a while and when the time's right, I propose... probably in the cheesiest way imaginable..."

She gave a light laugh, knowing he would do just that.

"Then we'd get married on the beach... nothing big, just our closest friends and family and we'd get a house with an incredible view of the ocean and we'd have kids, maybe adopt." As he spoke of their future together, Killian looked ahead at Adam and Ava and couldn't help but smile at the thought of adopting them. "And we'd probably fight about whether we'd get a cat or dog and where our kids would go to school, but at the end of the day, I'd hold Emma in my arms knowing that no matter what, I'll always be there."

Belle smiled. "That sounds lovely, Killian."

Killian continued on about the future he envisioned and for the first time in a while, he was laughing, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders from being able to express everything he wanted... everything he imagined.

"You need to go right make things right with her, Killian."

He nodded. "I know."

"Right now," she encouraged as she gave him a nudge. "Don't worry, I can handle things here."

"You sure?"

"Yes, go."

"Alright. Thank you, Belle." He kissed her cheek and quickly left and went to Emma's place. When he walked in, there was no one home, so he waited on her bed As he looked at the ceiling.

*****

_Killian looked out the window of the orphanage, the rain hitting the glass harshly as he thought about Emma. Every moment that passed since she left, he spent thinking of her, wondering if he would ever get to see her again._

_"Killian!" His thoughts were interrupted when Liam ran into his room excitedly. "Killian, we're being adapted! We get to leave this joint! Come on, let's get packing._

_Killian looked at him in bewilderment as he tried to process this. "Someone's adopting us? Who is it?"_

_"Does it matter, little brother? We get to leave and you can find your girlfriend," he said in a taunting voice._

_"She is not my girlfriend," he said defensively and at the same time he was hiding a smile because, boy, he wished that were true._

_"Well, what are you waiting for?" Get your things together."_

_Killian looked at him confused. "We're leaving now?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"But, we haven't even met them yet."_

_"I know, it's strange. This man just came in and and mentioned us by name and immedieditly requested papers to adopt us, like he already knew who we were."_

_"A man?"_

_"Yeah. Now come on, let's go."_

_Killian complied, not knowing what to think, but happy to be leaving. With his bag packed and ready to go, Killian and Liam went downstairs and said goodbye to their friends before they went out the door. As they walked down the steps, there was a man whom they've never seen before standing in front of his car with his arms crossed. He looked very serious and all business in a suit and tie. They approached wearily and the man managed a small smile._

_"Hello, dearies. My name is Robert Gold."_

_The boys looked at him with a furrowed brow. "Do you know us?" Killian asked him._

_The man's smile quickly faded as he sighed in irritation. "Just get in and I'll explain everything in the car."_

_"Not until you answer my brother's question," Liam demanded._

_"Fine. Your father sent me. He paid me to adopt you and bring you to him and I never break a deal, so please get in the car so I can take you boys home."_

_"We're not going back to him. He's a drunk who abandoned us and left us to rot here!" Killian shouted. "Come on, Liam, let's go back inside. I'd rather stay here then go back to him."_

_Liam agreed and they turned around and started to head inside._

_"He's changed," Gold called behind them. "He's sorry that he gave you up and he wants to make up for it."_

_The boys turned back around. "He doesn't give a crap about us," Killian said._

_"If he didn't, then why would he go through all this trouble to hire someone and take you into his home after all these years? Look lads, I've known the man for a while now, and he feels miserable for giving you boys up. He's willing to do what it takes to get you back."_

_"And why should we believe you?" Killian asked him. "We don't even know you."_

_"Well I guess you'll just have to trust me."_

_Killian and Liam looked at each other, wondering whether they should or not._

_"Maybe he's telling the truth, Killian. Maybe father's changed. Haven't you ever wondered if he ever thought about us... if he missed us?"_

_Killian nodded. "All the time."_

_"What do you say we give him a chance and if he lets us down, we'll leave and we'll go find you're friend, Emma. Don't you want to see her?"_

_"Of course I do."_

_"Come on, boys, we don't have much time. Let's go." Gold opened the door for them and they reluctantly got in the backseat. Once inside, Gold shut it and got in the driver's seat and drove off._

_Half an hour later, Gold pulled into the airport. Killian and Liam looked at eachother, confused._

_"Why are we here?" Liam asked Gold._

_"It's simple, dearies. You're going home to your father. Don't you remember where you came from?"_

_"Yeah, but we left England after our mom passed," Liam told him. "Our father moved us to the Staes before he abandoned us."_

_"Yes, and then he went back to England," Gold added._

_"Liam, we can't leave the country. I'll never get to see Emma."_

_"I know, but we'll come back," Liam assured him._

_"You promise?"_

_"Yeah, I promise. You'll see her again, Killian. I'll make sure of it."_

_"Okay."_

*****

As Killian laid in Emma's bed, his phone lit up and when he saw that it was Liam, he answered. "Liam?"

"It's our father, Killian. He had a heart attack. Gold came by the agency after you left to tell us."

Killian sat up, not knowing how to feel about that. Their father had let them down time after time, but in the end, he was still their father.

"Look, I'm going to the airport. Are you coming or not?"

"Right now?"

"Yes, brother. He doesn't have anyone else. He needs to at least have his sons there. And I'm not staying long. Elsa would kill me if she had to go Lily's wedding alone. We'll get a two-way ticket and visit with him, make sure he's okay and then we'll come back."

Killian swallowed hard. He really wanted to talk to Emma, but once he saw her, he knew he wouldn't be able to be apart from her, especially in another country. He'd have to wait until he got back. "Alright, let me go to my place and pack a bag and I'll meet you at the airport."

"Alright, see you soon, brother."

When Killian came home and walked into his bedroom, he switched on the light. That's when he looked up and saw the red writing on the wall above his bed.

**I'm still yours if you'll have me.**

**-Emma**

A smile came across his lips. And as badly as he wanted to see her, he had to do this. He didn't want his brother to go alone for one thing. He needed to do this and then when he got back, he was going to reunite and everything would be right in the world again. He packed a bag and went to the airport where his brother was waiting.

_*****_

_After they left the England airport, Gold drove them to their father's house in Brighton. The surroundings were very unfamiliar, he hadn't been there since he was three._

_"Here we are, boys. Your new home," Gold told them as the approached the house. It wasn't the same they lived in before, but it wasn't too far away from it. Brennan had bought it after he left them in the states._

_Killian and Liam wearily got out and retrieved their bags as Gold stepped out as well and stood beside them._

_"So, what about you? Are staying here in England?" Liam asked, curiously._

_"Yes. I live just down the road. That's how I met your father. But just because I adopted you doesn't mean I'm taking any responsibility for you two. I only did it for the money. Brennan's your father, so you're to stay with him, but if anyone asks, you live with me, got it?"_

_They both nodded._

_"Good. Now go on, your father's waiting."_

_The boys slowly walked up to the house. Liam knocked on the door as Gold got in his car and left. They both waited in silence, not knowing what to expect. Then the door opened and the man who stood there had dark hair and the same blue eyes as Killian and Liam. A hesitant smile came across his face as he opened the door. "Killian, Liam. You've both grown up so much."_

_Killian rolled his eyes. Of course they've grown up. It's been twelve years._

_"Please, come in and have a seat. I'll take your bags."_

_Killian and Liam both stepped in hesitantly and gave him their bags. Brennan set them in one of the rooms and came back as they sat on the sofa._

_Brennan sat on the edge of a chair across from them. "Look, I know I've messed up and you probably never want to talk to me again, but I will do whatever it takes to make you boys comfortable here. You probably don't believe this but I've changed. I've stopped drinking and really want to continue to do better."_

_Killian watched him intently and he could see the sincerity in his eyes but he was really unsure about all of this. The boys were silent as he continued. "I want you to feel at home here and if you need anything, let me know."_

_Then after a long moment, Liam suddenly stood up and braced forward, giving Brennan a hug, taking him off guard. He slowly wrapped his arms around Liam, sighing in relief. Killian was shocked, because usually he himself was the more forgiving one, not his brother. Killian always considered himself a strong person, at least he tried to be, but somehow, he let was able to let go all the resentment he felt for his father. Maybe it was the optimism in him that forgave him, hoping he had actually changed or maybe it was because his brother forgave him too, or maybe he just really missed having a father. Either way, he found himself standing up and approaching him, wrapping his arms around Brennan as tears threatened his eyes._

_"My boys. I'm so sorry. I've missed you so much," he said to them, tears forming his eyes as well._

_"I've missed you too, Papa," they both said to him._

_"I'm never leaving you boys again, I promise."_

_Six months had gone by and their father had kept his promise. Then, one night, he started drinking again. One night turned into two, then a week. And soon it was two drinks a night, then three. Killian would come home from his friend's house and Liam would be waiting on the porch, telling him not to go inside. Their father was an angry drunk, they both learned that quickly._

_They would both sit on the curb until they knew their father was asleep, which was usually about four hours after he started drinking. Then, one night, Gold passed by in his car and stopped to check on them. They explained to him about how their father started drinking again, so, to their surprise, Gold said they could stay with him until their father had sobered. Eventually they were staying at Gold's most of the time and there was nothing Brennan could do about it because Gold was their legal guardian._

_Three years had passed since he saw Emma when Killian received a letter in the mail that Gold had handed to him in the kitchen one morning. His eyes blew wide when he saw it was from Emma. He ripped open the envelop and tossed it aside as he unfolded the piece of paper, wondering how she even found him._  

> _**Dear Killian,** _
> 
> _**I told you I'd find you (even if we're not actually together). You're probably wondering how and it's kind of a long story, but basically I found out you had left the Orphange and since my adoptive father is a cop, he was able to track down your address. I was surprised that it was England and dissapointed that I can't see you, but I'm just glad you're out of that place. I haven't stopped thinking about you since I left.**_
> 
> _**So, it turns out my new family is great. They're really nice and they take good care of me. I like my school and I've been making a lot of friends. I wish you could meet them.** _
> 
> _**Oh and I'm keeping my promise about doing something great. I have decided that I'm going to be a cop just like my father. I plan on going to police academy when I graduate high school.** _
> 
> _**Anyway, I would love to hear back from you if you would be willing, so that I know you're okay and that you and your brother are being taken care of. I miss you so much and I hope that we can be together soon.** _
> 
> _**Always and forever yours,** _
> 
> _**Emma Swan** _

_Killian smiled when he read it and found a pen and paper in one of the kitchen drawers to write back to her._

_"Who's the letter from, Killian?" Gold asked him curiously. Killian had forgotten he was there._

_"It's my best friend, Emma. We met at the orphanage. I want to go back to the States someday to see her again."_

_"Well, we might be able to arrange that."_

_Killian looked him, not expecting that response. "Really?"_

_Gold nodded. "I've actually been planning on going back next year. I was offered a job as a college professor in Boston."_

_Killians eyes lit up. "That's where Emma is. You'd really let me and Liam go with you?"_

_"Sure, why not. You both have grown on me a little. And I don't really want to leave you here with Brennan. He broke our deal anyway. He was supposed to stay sober and not draw attention. Not that it matters much now. You're almost eighteen and you'll be able to do what you want, but when you get to the States, you'll need a place to live."_

_Killian couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You'll really let us stay with you in Boston?"_

_Gold nodded. "Yes, but on one condition."_

_"What's that?"_

_"You're not to call me Papa," Gold said with a small smirk._

_A slow smile curved Killian's lips and he sprang forward and gave Gold a hug. "Thank you."_

_Killian then wrote back to Emma and told her that they would see each other again soon and they planned on meeting at the airport when he arrived. Until then, they continued to write to each other._

*****

Killian and Liam arrived in England late the next day due to the time change and flight delays. When they took a taxi to the hospital and walked inside, they agreed to see their father one at a time. Killian went first and stepped inside the room. Brennan looked at him in surprise as a weak smile came across his pale face.

"You came?"

"Aye, we both did," Killian said flatly as he came to stand by his bedside. "We can't stay long though, we have to get back."

"Well, still. Thank you. It means a lot that you came."

Killian sat in the chair, expressionless and exhausted. He had slept a little on the plane, but he was too anxious to get this over with and get back to Emma.

"Look Killian, I know you still hate me and frankly I don't blame you, but at least tell me how you are. And how's that girl... I can't remember her name... are you still friends?"

Killian sighed. He didn't really want to talk to him about Emma but he was too tired to even know what he was doing. "Actually, we haven't seen each other in six weeks. We broke up."

"So you're just going to let her go? You left the country to be with the lass."

"I don't know, I just didn't want to get my heart broken again," he confessed.

"Well, take it from someone who's lost everyone. You need to keep fighting for her. Your mother was taken from me and I can't do anything about that, but you still have a chance to make things right with Emma. And once you get her back, don't ever let her go."

Killian nodded and stood up to leave, not wanting to chat any further. There were many things he wanted say to him... like how much he hated him for abandoning him and his brother, then getting them back just to let them down again. But instead, he kept quiet and walked toward the door. Knowing that he was alright was enough.

"Thanks again for coming, Killian."

"You can thank Liam. I only did it for him." With that said, he turned and left, walking to the waiting room where Liam was. 

"You're turn, Liam. I'll be waiting outside."

Liam nodded. "Okay. I won't be long. And thank you for coming with me, Killian. As much as I know you didn't want to."

Killian flashed him a weak smile. "Well what are younger brothers for if not to be pushed around by their older brother?"

Liam chuckled at that.

"Plus, I didn't want you to have to go alone."

Liam's expression grew soft as he patted Killian on the shoulder and pulled him in for a hug. "Love you brother."

"I love you too, Liam."

When they pulled apart, Liam started towards their father's room while Killian walked through the exit doors. As soon as he reached the cool, night air, his phone buzzed in his pocket. When he pulled it out and looked at the screen, his heart constricted when he saw that it was Emma. He swallowed thickly as he answered it. He didn't really want to have their conversation over the phone, but the sound of her voice would exactly what he needed right then.

"Killian-"

"Listen, love, you can't just call me and tell me you miss me. You can't just write on my wall and-"

"I know I can't just call. I know... that's why I'm here."

Killian stopped in his tracks and arched a brow as he looked around. He started walking again and finally he saw her step out of the cab. He hung up and put his phone in his pocket as Emma met him halfway.

"How did you find me?" he asked in awe as she approached him. She was wearing a purple dress that he guessed was from the day before and she looked like she hadn't slept and her hair was a mess, but she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. 

"Elsa told me about your Dad. How is he?"

"He's fine," Killian answered, his eyes a mixture of shock and relief.

"That's good." Emma looked down nervously for a moment before she met his gaze again. "I just had to tell you something in person and I couldn't wait any longer." She let out a long breath before she continued. "I love you, Killian. I'm totally and completely in love with you and I know that I screwed up and it's probably too late, but I'm telling you now. I've been in love with you for longer than I even know, I just... I spent so much time trying to deny it. And I waisted so much time shutting you out and I am so sorry. I guess I just didn't want to feel like this. It... it just hurts."

Killian looked at her as he tried to process what he was hearing. Her eyes were a bright green and he knew that she was telling him the truth, he could hear the sincerity in her voice. He knew how she felt, he just thought he would never hear her say it out loud.

"You came all the way here to tell me that?"

Emma let out a weak laugh as a tear slid down her cheek. 

"Yeah. I know it's crazy, but I don't care. I just want to be with you and I want everything that comes with it. I want to buy each other flowers and go to museums and have breakfast together. I want it all."

Killian swallowed hard, trying to find the words.

"Please say something," she said with a hopeful look in her eyes as she started to step forward.

Killian put his hand out to stop her, "Wait."

She stopped in her tracks, confused as he looked her expressionless.

"You should know that... if you come any closer... I am never letting you go."

Emma laughed in relief and she sprang forward, wrapping her arms around the back of his neck as Killian pulled her in, smashing his lips into hers. He didn't realize just how much he actually missed her until he tasted her lips, felt her against him, breathed the same air as her. Killian kissed her deeply, embracing her like he was never going to let her go as he promised. He definitely didn’t plan on it. When he released her lips, leaving them breathless, he rested his forehead against hers.

"I love you, Killian."

"Good," he breathed with a wide smile curving his lips. "I love you too, Emma." 

She kissed him again, this time finding his tongue and he pressed her closer to him. They got so caught up in the kiss, they almost didn't hear Liam clearing his throat behind Killian.

They broke apart and blushed before they turned to look at him.

"Emma came to tell me she loves me," Killian said with a crooked grin.

"It's about time, lass," Liam said with a smirk.

"What do you say we get back home now so we can get to my sister's stupid thing tomorrow?" Emma laughed as the three of them started walking to the taxi that was waiting for them.

"You mean your sister's wedding thing?" Killian asked as he put his arm around her shoulder and kissed her temple.

"Yeah, exactly."

***** 

_When Killian got off the plane in Boston with Gold and Liam, he quickly looked around the crowded airport for her. His heart was racing, thinking of all of the things he wanted to tell her. The letters that they had written to each other were nice, but he longed to be able to talk to her in person. Finally, when the crowd thinned out, that's when he saw her with a hand in the air, waving to him._

_"Killian!"_

_It had been four years... the longest four years of his life, but there she was standing thirty feet in front of him. Her hair was longer than he remembered, her eyes greener and her smile brighter. He started towards her as she walked towards him and when they finally collided, he lifted her up and spun her around, her laughter music to his ears._

_He set her down and they kissed each other's cheek before wrapping their arms around eachother into a long hug._

_"I've missed you love," he breathed in her ear as he pulled her closer, never wanting to let her go._

_"I've missed you too."_

_That night, they went down to the beach, sitting in the sand in front of the ocean. They talked for hours until she got a call from her mother, saying she needed to come home and that it was an emergency._


	11. The Future Is Nothing To Be Afraid Of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the last chapter. I've had this one planned since I started writing this story. Hope you enjoy!

Getting back to Boston early the next morning, Killian and Emma parted ways with Liam, taking Emma's car back to her place. The traffic was light as they held hands, fingers entwined. Their minds were heavy as Emma tried not to think too much about the day ahead of her. The wedding was in the evening and even though she would have to meet with her sister extra early to get ready and get their hair done and pictures taken, she still had some time to rest until then.

"How much time do we have, love?" 

"A few hours. What do you want to do?" she asked as she turned to look at him. "Of course after a much needed shower," she added.

Killian leaned in closer to her until his lips were grazing her ear and replied with a whisper. "Something crazy..."

Emma laughed weakly and after a shower and a change of clothes, they pulled in front of Granny's Diner. Emma sucked in a breath as they went inside. Sitting at one of the booths, she couldn't help but think of the last time she actually had breakfast. The day after her father had died, she and Killian had came their for breakfast but she didn't actually eat anything, so really the last time she had breakfast was with her father.

She had spent all this time avoiding it because she knew that it would remind her of him and would make her unbelievably sad, but now, she just thought of the good memories of him and it made her smile. She thought about how she had wanted to be police officer but then when he was shot, the doctor's couldn't save him. Her father was a heroe who had gotten medals for saving lives but no one was able to save his life. From then on she decided that she wanted to save heroes instead of just becoming one. And more specifically, she wanted to help save the younger generation so they would have a chance to grow up and become a heroes like her father. 

When the waitress came by, Emma and Killian sat at the same side of the table and ordered more food than they could even eat. They shared plates of scrambled eggs, bacon, French toast, sausage and of course waffles with strawberry and whipped cream. They were both starving, not even being to able to remember the last time they ate. Emma practically inhaled her food as it hit her tongue.

"Now I know why you never wanted to eat breakfast with me," Killian teased with a smirk as he watched her.

"What?" she asked, her mouth full of food.

"Cause you eat like a baby dinosaur. You don't even chew."

Emma looked at him unashamed. "You think you can get used to it?"

Killian shrugged like he had to think about it. "Hmmm... I think so."

Emma swallowed her food and scooped some eggs on her fork. "I was hoping we could do this a lot more."

"Really?"

"Mmmhmm," she replied with a nod as she took another bite.

"You know, I was thinking, we're going to have to come up with some new rules," he suggested.

"What kind of rules?" she asked with a curious stare.

"I'd like to start calling you honey and babe."

Emma gave him a look of disapproval. "I don't know about babe."

"No?"

Emma shook her head.

"Snuggling?"

"Oh yeah. I think I'm going to stare deeply into your eyes," she said with a smirk as she leaned in closer to him and looked into his eyes.

"Wow, this is all moving so fast, love," he joked.

"Also, I'd like to leave the door open when I pee."

Killian shook as head. "I think no."

"I think I'm going to do it all the time. It's gonna get weird." They both laughed and Emma took his hand in hers and kissed his lips. "I think I could get used to this," she said with a smile.

"Me too, love." He kissed her forehead and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

He was hopeful for the future ahead of them, knowing they both wanted the same thing, but they were in no rush to get there. Although, when they danced together at her sister's wedding that evening, Emma was hoping the next one they'd be dancing at was their own wedding.

*****

Two Years Later...

Emma sat at her vanity, hair and makeup finished, long, white satin wedding gown on. Her hair gathered over a sleeveless shoulder with a purple flower flip pinned above her ear. She looked down at the envelope in her hand that Liam had handed to her only moments earlier.  He left with her mother, sister and Elsa, Ruby, Belle and Robin after they got their hugs in, all of them teary-eyed. She couldn't believe that more than seventeen years ago she was a loner and unsociable loser. Now she had more people who loved her than she probably even deserved. If only her father could have been there, too, walking her down the aisle.

It was only a matter of time before she would be marrying the man she had spent the last two years making up for waisted time with. They had soaked up every last drop out of their time together. Going on romantic dates, moving in to their own place, getting engaged. And of course adopting Adam and Ava. A lot had happened in the last two years, but she wouldn't take any of it back for anything.

Emma opened the envelope, revealing a letterhead neatly folded. Taking in a deep breath, she opened it, not really know what the letter was for. They were about to spend the rest of their lives together, unless he was using this as a cruel way off calling off the wedding. But considering how devoted he was to her and the way he had looked at her the day before when they went their separate ways for the night, that idea was ridiculous.

 

> _My dearest Emma,_
> 
> _Can you believe it? We're about to get married today. You and I getting married. It feels so surreal, and yet it feels more right than anything else in this world._
> 
> _If you're wondering why I've written you this letter when I could be saying these things to you in person, you're about to find out._
> 
> _Before you read any further and before you walk down the aisle, there is one last thing I would like you to do for me. Go into bedroom closet. There's something I want to show you._

Emma's eyebrows burrowed in confusion, wondering what he was up to, but she complied. Still holding onto the letter, she picked her dress up so it wouldn't drag on the floor when she walked and started towards the door. She went into the closet and switched on the light. Her eyes spanned the inside, but there wasn't much to see. Only the clothes hanging up and the rack on the floor full of shoes. She almost looked at the rest of the letter for clues, but then she remembered something. The last time he showed her something in the closet, it was the markings on the wall that showed how many days he had been at the orphanage.

Emma looked to her left at the wall, but it was bare. She stepped closer, her eyes searching around for anything out of the ordinary. Then she looked more closely where the last shirt was hung, hiding a part of the wall. As she squinted her eyes, she could see part of some pencil marks, so she used her free hand to push the hanging shirt out of the way.

Her mouth fell open at the sight. There were so many markings covering that section of the wall. What they were there for, she had no idea. The letter, she thought. He put that in the the letter. She lifted the letter in her hand to read the rest of it. 

 

> _If you're reading this now, then hopefully you've seen the markings on the wall and wondering what they mean. But before I tell you, there are some things I need to say, first._
> 
> _Seventeen years ago, I was a lost boy who met a lost girl and look at how far we have come. We made a pact to do something great and we did just that. Hopefully we can instill the same desire to do great things in our children (together we can do anything)._
> 
> _Though the things we've done may not be enough to change the world, you've definitely changed mine._ _You've been there for me more times than I count on my fingers and toes and I've always made sure I did the same for you._
> 
> _You told me once that people weren't meant to be together forever and maybe you were right, but I knew from that very moment that you and I would be an exception. I knew that I would do whatever it would take to make sure we would always be together._
> 
> _The road we've traveled down has certainly not been an easy one, and yet, here we are on our wedding day about to exchange vows. I thank the stars every day that you came into my life that day and even though I've lost you time and time again, you've always came back to me._
> 
> _There is so much more I would like to say to you, but as you're reading this, I am patiently awaiting my beautiful, amazing bride to meet me at the end of the aisle, so there are a few final things I will say before I let you go._
> 
> _As you know, I used to keep track of the number of days that I was in Neverland, but ever since you came into my life, I've been keeping track of the days for a different reason and every time I moved to a different place, I added on the missing markings._
> 
> _What I'm trying to say Emma, my darling Swan, is that those markings represent the number of days that I have loved you. To be more precise, I have loved you for six-thousand, five-hundred seventy days and I plan on loving you every day after that until my very last breath._
> 
> _I know you have not always loved me the same way, but your friendship throughout the years has meant more to me than I can ever begin to explain. And I look forward to many more years to come._
> 
> _You have been my best friend since I was thirteen and I am standing at the alter today the proudest and happiest man alive to have the privilege of marrying you, my best friend, my lover, my everything. I love you, Emma Swan, with all of my beating heart._
> 
> _Always and forever yours,_
> 
> _Killian_

In that moment, she felt tears in her eyes, happy ones. All of the hurt and pain that she had felt in those twenty-eight years had dissapeared and she could only feel joy, happiness, complete bliss. It may of taken her a long time to get here, a long time for her to stow away her fears, a long time to let down her extremely high walls and well-guarded heart, but somehow she made it here. And that fact that Killian stayed with her through it all, well that was a miracle in itself.

She tucked the letter securely into a drawer with the other ones they had kept all these years from when they were apart. As she grabbed her bouquet and left the bedroom, she couldn't stop thinking about the honeymoon to Hawaii they had planned and even more, she couldn't stop thinking about how she was going to rock her husband's world with the lingerie she was wearing underneath. It was sheer white and laced together with purple ribbon. She couldn't wait for him to untie her with his teeth.

Emma went downstairs where Adam and Ava were waiting for her. She hugged and kissed them before leading them out the back door. She looped her arms through her children's and stepped into the sand in her bare feet, feeling it between her toes. Her smile could match the brightness of the sun as she walked with her children down the aisle. The sun was sparkling off the ocean behind the gorgeous man waiting with playful smirk. Her stomach was filled with butterflies but with one look into his ocean blue eyes, she knew that the future was nothing to be afraid of.

*****

Ten Years later...

Emma hummed to herself a song in her head as she flipped pancakes, wearing only an old t-shirt of Killian's. When they were browned to her liking, she turned off the burner and grabbed the pan. She turned around to slide them on to her husband's plate as he worked on the crossword puzzle in his hand at the kitchen table and looked up, gracing her with a smile as she leaned down to kiss his lips. He was wearing only his boxers, relishing in the fact that they could finally walk around like that since Adam and Ava went off to college.

Emma set the spatula and pan back on the stove and came to sit in his lap. After she spread butter and poured syrup on the pancakes, Killian pulled his arms around her. She grabbed the plate and fed him bites of pancake as they worked on the crossword together and otherwise fell into a comfortable silence. She leaned in to kiss him, tasting the sweet maple syrup on his lips. They may have gotten sick of waffles with strawberries and whipped cream but even after twenty-seven years, they had yet to see a day when they would get sick of each other.


End file.
